Failed Kitten Rescue

Just to show you guys that there is a heart of gold that lies beneath the trash talk and jokes, I have to tell you something: I attempted to rescue two kittens from imminent death this weekend.     

Saturday, I discovered two adorable little kittens wandering around the street. One was black and one tan, and born were born to a stray mother whom Animal Control had already picked up a couple of weeks earlier. When the professionals got the mother, they also took her babies, hoping and praying that they would survive to someday get adopted. Apparently, these two kittens got away, and were living in a nearby drain gutter. Upon seeing the two little tiny, skinny creatures, and said to myself “Damn it Leon, you are an ACTION HERO! You must DO SOMETHING!”

It’s been awihle since I’ve had to use my Action Hero powers for anything other than meeting women and performing feats of wonder after heavy alcohol consumption. I looked for my Action Hero handbook, but realized that it’s still in storage. Next, I asked myself “What would Sylvester Stallone do?”

When I realized there were no steroids or bad movie scripts laying around nearby, I had to think again. This time, I thought “What would MacGuyver do?” The answer then came to me: Build some kind of jerryrigged cat trap to catch those two kittens, and then look up the number to the SPCA or a nearby shelter.

Let’s just say that I would have been better off going with the Sylvester Stallone thought, because me trying to catch those kittens with an old coat and a stick was an excercise in futility. I felt like Rocky in that scene where he was chasing that chicken, and his trainer Mick was yelling out “Ya gotta be QUICK! Ya gotta EAT LIGHTNING, and CRAP THUNDER!”

Those little bastards were incredibly quick! Although I am an Action Hero, I am first and foremost a Gentleman of Leisure. I don’t chase pussy. Pussy chases ME, or at least does enough to make things convenient. Therefore, it would have been contradictory for me to run after those two. If they can’t recognize that I’m the best thing that ever happened to them, then so be it. That rule has held me down when it comes to dealings with with humans, so I’d imagine it probably works for cats as well.

A friend of mine called a shelter, and hopefully they were able to rescue the poor kittens and get them out of that gutter. Either way, almost rescuing those two made me feel somewhat fulfilled.  I fully intend to start using my Action Hero skill set for good a little more often. Using it for sinister purposes has started to feel a little empty.

I think I’m going to spend tomorrow evening feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. I shall consume chicken wings after skipping lunch, then take a trip to The House on Georgia Avenue to tip a young lady or two. They can use that money to clothe their naked asses. Or, to buy marijuana and more tattoos. Whatever floats their boat. It’s the gesture that counts!