Shakes The Clown Is Real

I saw a clown at a bar. A CLOWN. In MAKEUP and FULL COSTUME, AT A MOTHERF*CKIN’ BAR! Main man was drinking whiskey while waiting to perform at some kiddie party. I even overheard him going into detail about the different variations of balloon animals he’s mastered. It was like walking into a bad movie or something…

It actually sounds more like an episode of Seinfeld. My niece and nephews are coming into town soon, and I thought to myself, what if I hired a clown for one of their birthdays, and the one from the bar showed up? I’m not saying that he can’t do his job with a couple of drinks in his system, but I wouldn’t take any damned chances! The guy might think it’s a good idea to make two balloon gorillas humping each other, or to perform that handkerchief trick and have the last handkerchief tied to a pair of panties from a random one night stand or something. If my nieces and nephews are going to lose their childhood innocence, it’s going to be from reading this blog, as opposed to some drunken clown that I’m paying!

Maybe I’m thinking too much about all of this, and being too hard on Drinky The Clown. Whatever the case, the site of a clown drinking at a bar was slightly unsettling, yet utterly hilarious in my humble opinion. The funniest part is, the only person talking anywhere near the clown was the bartender. The rest of the place was silent, as if they were all thinking “What if this dude is on some John Wayne Gacy shit? I’m not getting murdered by a God-damned clown…so I’ll just stay quiet.” It was high comedy!