I really dislike porch people. Don’t get me wrong, old folks that sit on the porch all day and watch what everybody else in the neighborhood is doing have earned the right to be there, by virtue of being still alive. If you’re 70 years old or more, by all means, sit on the porch for the rest of your days if it makes you happy. However, if you are 33 and collecting a check while sitting on your ass every single day, you need to re-evaluate your life and figure out exactly where things went wrong. Nosy bastards.
I bring up this topic because a couple of weeks ago, one of the porch people in my neighborhood tried to flirt with me. She can’t be any more than 35, but she sits outside every day in a moo-moo smock, eating and being nosy. So one day she lifted her face from her feeding troth, and began speaking:
Porch Person: Hello neighbor!
Me: Hello
Porch Person: You coming from work?
Me: Yes.
Porch Person: You got a girlfriend, baby?
Me: YES! YES I DO! I’m taken. VERY taken.
Porch Person: Alright baby, cause you sexy! *winking*
Me: *slightly dry heaving in my mouth*
Yes, I lied to the Porch Person, but she gave me an opening to escape further harassment so I took it. I wasn’t about to completely make neighborhood enemies by saying “You’re big, you’re nasty and you sit on the porch all day. Hell no I don’t want you.”
This strategy would slightly backfire, as one day I saw the girlfriend of one of my other neighbors walking down the street. I spoke to her, and we walked together since we were going in the same direction. The Porch Person and some of her cronies saw me walking down the street with my friend’s girl(who happens to be Japanese) and started hating big-time. Porch Person said “THAT must be his girlfriend.”
Someone else on the porch said “Girl, he probably don’t even like black women.”
At that point, I had to take a deep breath and tell myself not to have an angry nigga moment in broad daylight. How does me not wanting anything to do with a slovenly, sloth individual like Porch Person automatically make me a sellout with a color complex?” Instead of yelling out a stream of obscenities, I simply told my friend’s girl “The big nasty chick who always sits on that porch up there hit on me the other day…I told her I have a girlfriend, and she’s assuming it’s you” as we passed by.
She looked up at the porch, and in her thick Japanese accent, said “You should KEEP telling her that. That’s a huge bitch!”
People, people, people! Please do not let yourself become a porch person before you hit legal retirement age. It’s acceptable for old folks. It’s pathetic for everyone else. Don’t watch me, watch TV! Get a life, whydont’cha? Sheeeeit.
“Thats a huge bitch”… She really shouted that?? Haha.
She said it like that guy in “Deuce Bigalow” @ Buji, only didn’t shout it.
LOL! My old neighborhood had a tons of porch people. In particular this one guy who always had on hospital scrubs (although I’m sure he wasnt in the medical profession…at least not the legal one). He must have overheard someone talking to me before because he always called me Lisa when I walked past..not my name but close I guess.
:death:
LMAO! Is this where the term “porch monkies” came from? I hate to see young people sitting on the porch and it’s like 50-11 kids running around!
Porch people is not the correct term, she is what is known as a Porch monkey.
You have it all wrong. You’re the one going to work. Porch person gets to kick it all day and get a check. In the short-term, her situation is a winning one for her. Too mad she’s gonna die of ‘the sugar’.
OMG! Until now, I didn’t know what to call “those people.” Porch people is so appropriate! They eat on the poch and talk on the phone on the porch and comb their children’s hair, ON THE PORCH! Thanks for giving a name to the cretins.. LOL
Yea I think Crooklyn started that whole porch monkey thing when she poured the hot water on him. We had a few of those back home…and mostly young men who graduated highschool and had no jobs…or no lives.
@ Creolesoulkitten and Carlos Murphy, I tried to avoid using that term…but yeah. You’re absolutely right!!!
@ TLUV and JoJo, just about EVERYBODY can relate to someone like that in their neighborhood!
at one time I started avoiding porch people by going an alternate route to my home.
If your friend hada thick Japanese accent, didn’t she say TERRING and not TELLING? LOL
My block is full of porch people. Nosey porch people… Young and Old…
OMG!!! I can’t stand “Porch People” either!!! In Los Angeles it’s usually a bunch of trifling n*gg@s, who can’t hold down a job or do anything productive with their lives, so they sit on their porch being loud with their other pathetic friends, in their giant white t-shirts, playing loud music and just being ignorant. Now that’s the hood Porch People. I nicer areas, it’s usually young teens hanging out in front of their house, clowning and wait for the boy or girl of the opposite sex to come out so they can yell up and down the block at each other. Finally, there are the Latino Porch People who get their who family together for a freaking fiesta on the front stoop! My response is, “Damn! Isn’t that what back yards are made for? Stop being so damn ghetto!”.
I have a couple of porch/lawn people on my own street. Back when I was a kid, I lived across the street from not only a porch person, but a window sill person… at the same damn time. What was really bad is our house got broken into, and as much crap as those two hens saw on a daily basis, they conveniently didn’t see shit the day we got robbed.
This is a pretty funny story. I haven’t seen a bonifide Porch Person in a minute either, but I’d definitely hate to interact with one like that of the one in your neighborhood.
The truth. I live in Baltimore and it seems like the porch people capital. Every single day, all day and night, especially in the summer. I find myself thinking, “Go in the house! Bringing my property value down!”
I dont have many “porch people” on my block, just one house and the woman is cool.
I just wanted to comment because I JUST noticed your new MJ banner at the top of the page – you are CRAZY!
:)
L
I wonder where my comment went. Humh??
I call the house two doors down “The Stoop.” There’s always at least three people out there, Sunday afternoons can bring as many as 20. I should probably be offended, but honestly, I just find them really entertaining. They do provide a lot of blog fodder…
LMAO..young you know mofos nosey as sh*t, goodness my old neighborhood full of thirsty haters LOL
In Toronto I haven’t had an issue with porch people because people are usually minding their own business. The people who act witless are the ones who chill at the mall all frigging day, don’t buy nothing and holler at people who catch their eye.
Lmao @ “lifted her face from her feeding troth”
But I like moo-moos :-/