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Ass-Plosives | Yeah...I said it

Ass-Plosives

abdullah-asieri-bomber

No, this entry is not about silent-but-violent farts. I was watching the news the other day, and saw this story about an assassination attempt on a Saudi prince by a member of Al Qaeda. To me, that wasn’t surprising. What was surprising, however, was the manner in which he tried to carry out his attack. This guy detonated a rectal bomb.

Yes, you read that correctly. This guy stuck a pound of high explosives up his ass, plus a detonator…Then blew himself up! I can’t even fathom how strong the desire to murder someone must be, for a human being to say “I’m gonna kill him and me with an ass bomb!”

Not only that, but this fool was walking around for 30 hours with that explosive shoved up his ass before he detonated the thing. Main man obviously meant business! I guess it sucks for him that the prince was only lightly wounded. The only way it could have been worse, is if the bomber had survived, too. Either way, he literally blew his ass off for absolutely nothing.

Just in case any Al Qaeda operatives make their way over here to read this, I have a message for you to think about: Is it really worth it? I mean, those better be 72 fine-ass virgins waiting for you in heaven to shove C4 up your ass and blow yourself to bits. The kind of virgins that don’t consider giving head “sex” and are really good at it. Even then, THAT’S YOUR ASS, MAN! It’s not the most heroic way to be remembered. Think about the conversations your loved ones will have after you’re gone:

Naseem – Abdullah was a good friend. I will miss him.
Papshmir – Yes. A great friend. A dummy, but a wonderful friend, indeed. You know that guy blew up his own ass?
Naseem – Yep. Heard he was getting gay with dynamite.
Papshmir – God damned shame. Praise Allah.
Naseem – Word.

All disrespectful jokes aside, that’s not a cool death, by any stretch of the imagination. Stop it. Nobody respects an ass bomber. Plus, you’re making it harder for the rest of us normal people when dealing with airport security. It’s bad enough we have to take our shoes off thanks to Richard Reid…I don’t even want to think about the kind of degrading, inconvenient, time-consuming security measures the Department of Homeland Security are thinking of thanks to this ass-splosive incident.

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Comedian, writer and shake dancer on the Chippendale's Senior Circuit.

6 Responses to “Ass-Plosives”

  1. Ashley 30. Sep, 2009 at 8:28 am #

    Ass-Plosives?

    *DEAD*

    HAAAACK-keeem didn’tfeel a thing tho. If you’re gonna kill yourself….might as well blow yourself up from your ass if your going to be an ass.

  2. uchenna 30. Sep, 2009 at 8:34 am #

    Papshmir…HILARIOUS!!!

  3. CurlyQ 30. Sep, 2009 at 9:31 am #

    a horrible way to go.

  4. robby23rd 30. Sep, 2009 at 1:14 pm #

    LMFAO @ Papshmir!!!! YOU Leon, are a goddam fool!!

  5. Jeff 30. Sep, 2009 at 11:59 pm #

    funny shit, this shit made my WEEK. mind u im having a tough one

  6. ListenToLeon 01. Oct, 2009 at 1:16 am #

    @ Jeff, grandma already told me. I hate to put your business out on the internet, but man…RESCHEDULE THAT INTERVIEW AND TAKE IT!!! They’ll place you close to home, you’l have money in your pocket, and once that happens, you won’t have to take anyone’s shit! Just some loving older cousin advice for you…LOL

    @ Robby & @ Uchenna, they had an Arab dude named Papshmir in “The Naked Gun.” I’ve been waiting YEARS to recycle that joke. It took someone literally blowing their ass off before I got a chance to do it!

    @ CurlyQ, agreed.

    @ Ashley, that’s a good point, but it still sounds rather painful and dishonorable!

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