I hate it when quasi-homeless people try to befriend me or tell me a story before asking for money. CUT TO THE DAMNED CHASE! It’s the holidays, so I might be a little more inclined to help the less-fortunate than usual, but trust me, someone’s unsolicited sob story does not factor into my decision at all.
If any pan-handlers are in a library reading this on a free computer right now, here are a few things to think about when approaching people:
A Pan-Handler’s Guide For The Holiday Season
No one wants to shake your nasty-ass hand.
It’s cold & flu season, plus I don’t know…you could have all kinds of shit from sleeping on the street. Ebola, leprosy, rickets, the whooping cough, foot-and-ass disease…anything!
I don’t feel sorry for you if you just got out of jail.
You are not Nelson Mandela. Therefore, I highly doubt you ended up in jail for some just political cause, warranting my sympathy. Then again, it’s not my place to judge your past, and I don’t give a damn about it one way or the other. I just want you to realize that jail time is only a selling point if you’re a rapper who rhymes about that sort of thing.
There’s this one guy who lives somewhere in my neighborhood. He’s asked me for money on three different occasions, about a couple of weeks apart. Each time, he starts his speech off with “Can you help me out with something? I just got out of jail…”
I gave him a quarter the first time, but the second and third times, I said “Stop getting in trouble! Stay your ass out of jail, and you won’t need my change.”
Seriously, either he’s the worst criminal ever, or the laziest beggar in the city. At least try to remember the faces of people you bother before hitting them up again.
If I’m wearing headphones, that means F*CK OFF!
If I am wearing headphones or reading, do not disturb me. Best case scenario, I will ignore you. Worst case scenario, I will grab you by the neck and waterboard you in a public fountain.
Offer To Do Something Legal and Moral For The Money.
Ask to shovel some snow, or hold a door, or sing a f*cking song…SOMETHING. Show some kind of drive and giddy-up before trying to get my hard-earned money.
Remember that it’s the winter.
It’s cold outside. Those of us with the option to go inside, don’t want to be out there any more than we have to. Just cause you ain’t got sh*t to do, doesn’t mean I want to sit around and listen to how your wife left you and took the dog.
If you reek of alcohol, I already know what you’re spending my money on.
Hell, I don’t buy drinks at the bar for women I don’t know Why would I buy one for your stankin’ ass?
Maybe this entry was mean, but the shit had to be said. Consider it, “tough love” or something. I think I’m going to do some type of charity thing for homeless people actually in need, as opposed to the folks who linger outside the liquor bothering people. If you have any suggestions of events, send them to leon@listentoleon.net
A guy asked me for change and when I told him that I didn’t have any, he wanted me to use my debit card. Yeah right. Anyways a coworker told me that I look nice, like I’ll give the world away. Maybe that’s why they talk to you so much.
LMAO hahahaaaa
The Ebola & foot-and-ass disease references were my favorite. Absolute classics.
I THINK I WILL PRINT THIS OUT / MAKE COPIES AND HAND IT TO THE BEGGERS THAT HANG OUTSIDE OF STARBUCKS WHO HARASS ME WHEN IM JUST TRYING TO GET SOME HOT CHOCOLATE BEFORE WORK!
THANKS LEON :)
there is a bum in my neighborhood that uses a wheelchair to beg. Except Sunday I saw him get out of the chair and into a Lexus. Don’t let them fool you!
you have a gift leon. keep honing your craft, remember me when giving your best supporting actor acceptance speech