Have you ever encountered someone so smelly, so rank, so musty…that his/her smell lingers on long after they’ve left? That happened to me yesterday. I performed a little stand up at Looking Glass Lounge, and after my set, this drunk dude came up to me to talk about comedy. He insisted that he had the funniest story on Earth to tell me. This “story” turned out to be a very pointless, incoherent and unfunny play-by-play description of an episode of Blind Date.
The crappy story that wasn’t a story did not bother me. What upset me was the foul smell coming from this guy. It was like dirt, dried sweat, outdoors, foot and ass, coming together like Voltron. If anybody doubts that I’m a nice person, the fact that I actually listened to this guy’s pointless story and withstood his all-out assault on my nostrils should prove that I am kind to a fault. I really should have asked one of the bartenders for access to the cleaning products so I could throw a can of Comet on the guy, or repeatedly spray him with Lysol.
The worst part is that after he left, his body funk lingered on. It was like the Ghost of Christmas Ass. Phantom Stench. A true-life Nightmare Before Christmas. I went home, and could even smell it on the part of my shirt where this dude brushed against my shoulder. I’ve never encountered anything like it before in my life. It’s like this fellow’s stench was stalking me.
I will be doing laundry tonight, heavy on the detergent and fabric softener, in an attempt to exorcise the demons this nasty bastard left on my shirt sleeve. If anyone can relate to this story, or offer words of comfort as I deal with the trauma that accompanied the overwhelming stank, please leave something in the comment section. Thanks in advance.
Hilarious.. I have a co-worker who’s breath is just as offending. He can be 3 cubes away talking to another co-worker, and I can smell his funky ass breath. And I’m pregnant now, so the smell is all the more offensive. Sometimes I just want to puke or throw a handful of mints at him. I’ve thought about telling him, or sending an anonymous e-mail, but I don’t have the balls.
that shit was fuckin hilarious. your website never fails 2 humor especially when im having a rough day
LMMFAO!
Try adding Baking Soda to the laundry… Godspeed!
I can relate to both sides lol. A couple weeks ago I was feeling down so I went to a bar on a Sunday evening and had a few too many drinks. I guess there’s something with feeling blue that shouldn’t be mixed with beer and whiskey, cus my s**t was tart. But I didn’t even know until late that night when I ate a tic-tac and it burned like hell. Man, the next day I issued a public apology over Facebook to anyone in attendance that might have been harmed.
i come to this site when i need to laugh out loud. voltron? really? cot damn. that’s a line i’m stealing and applying to all situations.
@ OffendedNostrils, I’m using your comment in a future blog entry. Be on the lookout!
@ Jeff, thanks
@ Ms P, I just Lysol and Febreezed the sh*t out that shirt last night, since I was too tired to do laundry! It’s going in the wash tonight though.
@ Dewan M. Gibson, the public apology is hilarious. I had to do one for the “little people” community recently. I’m going to finish reading the book this weekend. So far, I’m definitely enjoying it!
@ Modi, Yep, five robot lions of funk, merged together. I don’t know which odor formed the head, but that’s the type of power this fool’s smell had!
Maybe I’m late, slow, out of touch, or all of the above, but the thing that stood out most about this story was that you are doing stand up!!! Shut up!!! I want to seeeee!!!!
Oh and yeah, to answer your question, the worst… the absolute freaking WORST is when someone leaves it on a chair. The only chair available in a crowded… anywhere. Uggh. Horrible. I hate stank of any variety.
Wow! Last night I was in the Yoga House studio above LGL – I would have been down there instantly had I known you were there! Time on GA Ave…some smelly ones.
LLS…..
Well turned! I found your question in a desperate web search to learn why the stench of my someone I was cornered by today (I think it was the same guy) followed me after a rigorous shower and complete change of clothes. I used tea-tree soap and shampoo with a Clarisonic, even scrubbed inside my nostrils with an alcohol-covered Q-tip. Does anyone know what’s going on bio-chemically? You describe the haunted-ness perfectly!
Today, still a little haunted, I’ve come to the horrifying conclusion that what we’re smelling is actually coming out through our own lungs. The molecules had to go somewhere, after all, and just as we find evidence of smoke in our lungs, so must these lodge themselves in our pink, healthy tissues.
Next time I’m assaulted by someone who smells this bad I will say, with all the earnestness and sincerity I can cram into ten seconds, “I’m sorry, but I have a very negative reaction to strong odors. They trigger my fight or flight response” as I move away.