Open Letter To Gilbert Arenas

Dear Gilbert Arenas,

I could not help but hear about your recent legal troubles. I am a fan of yours, and I’m always going to wish nothing but the best for you and your career. That said, I am a comedian, humorist, shit-talker, or whatever you want to call it. That’s why I’m about to hit you with a Muhammad Ali flurry of jokes over this nonsense. Hope your sense of humor is still intact. If not, you’re a tall, rich motherf*cker. You’ll get over it…

Gilbert, I know you’ve been asked this a million times already, but what the Hell were you thinking?! You can’t work at McDonalds and bring guns to work, let alone the NBA! I already know that if I brought a gun in to work, I’d get fired, arrested and possibly placed on an FBI terrorist watch list.    

Next time you and a teammate have a gambling dispute, just pay the man. If you absolutely MUST prove a point that you don’t respect the guy, slap the shit out him and yell out “I’M AGENT ZERO, NIGGA! I AIN’T GIVING YOU SHEEEEEIT!!!” Trust me, it’s much cheaper and easier than going through all of this.

I was resisting the urge to make fun of you, Gilbert. Then I looked at my Lakers tickets for next week, and said “Gilbert Arenas, you motherf*cker!” I was seriously looking forward to watching you and Kobe battle it out for 48 minutes. Now I’m going to be watching Los Angeles do layup drills all over the Nation’s Capital. All because you didn’t learn your lesson from T.I. and his recent gun situation.

On the bright side, T.I. only got sentenced to a year. Plus, they let him out early. Maybe that means you’ll avoid a harsh sentence. I’m hoping you don’t have to go to jail, but if so, stay strong, and guard your corn hole, bruh.

Gilbert Arenas, I am going to stop with this impromptu celebrity roast, halfway out of fear of getting pistol whipped,  but mainly because I’m ready to go eat breakfast. Best of luck, and I hope you learned something from this expensive, ridiculous mistake of yours.

Sincerely,

ListenToLeon

P.S., How come Javaris Crittenton, the other player who allegedly brandished a gun, hasn’t gotten in any trouble yet? I’m assuming he’s the beneficiary of the fact that Arenas is much more famous, rich and talented and ultimately had way more to lose. You know this is the case, because I had to google this sonofabitch just to make sure I spelled his name right. This whole mishap is symbolic of DC sports right now(the Washington Capitals are the obvious exception). I wonder what it is about Washington DC that has caused our professional athletes to perform like bums for the vast majority of the last few decades?