Upon hearing that Jimi Heselden, the man who owns Segway Inc. actually died while riding a Segway, I once again tried to resist making an inappropriate joke about life’s cruel irony. By all accounts, Heselden was a good man who gave money to a number of charitable causes. So as a result, I decided to leave the deceased alone, and instead make fun of his product.
Just the other day, I was having a discussion about police officers who ride Segways. I argued that if I should ever happen to commit a crime, I’ll be damned if I let a Segway cop arrest me. My friends disagreed. They were like “Leon, you can’t outrun a Segway.”
I countered by saying “Come on now. Unless your name happens to be ‘Usain Bolt’, you’re NOT going to outrun a Segway in a straight-line sprint. Then again, if you’re dumb enough to run from a Segway in a straight line, you’re an asshole who deserves to get caught. You’re supposed to zig-zag and dart in-between any narrow spaces you can find. I wish a Segway cop WOULD chase me! I’d make that fool topple the f*ck over, then beat him with his own billy club!”
I was exaggerating about the billy club part, but I was serious about everything else. Segways are pretty maneuverable, but not enough to catch me! Plus, if an officer is going to try to arrest me on one of those, chances are he’d be too lazy to continue to give chase if I run somewhere that his Segway can’t go. I’m sure some Segway-enthusiast dickhole is going to disagree with me in the comments section, so to that, I issue this challenge: Let’s pick a spot in Downtown DC or Silver Spring, and I’ll give you 2 minutes to try to catch me on your little punk-ass Segway. When it’s all said and done, and you’re picking yourself up off the ground, don’t say I didn’t warn you!
I promised not to make fun of the dead, but I cannot seem to get this question off of my mind: What the sky blue f*ck was Heselden doing riding a Segway near a cliff? I’m not saying his actions were stupid; I’m just saying that he must have really trusted his product. I’d never even think about going anywhere near a cliff on anything with wheels. This man believed in his Segway, and THIS IS THE MOTHERF*CKING THANKS HE GETS?! It’s proof that Segways have no loyalty, whatsoever. I hope his ghost haunts the f*ck out of the Segway assembly line, floating past every one of those treacherous two-wheeled instruments of death like “B*tch I MADE YOU!”
OK, now that the lines of good taste have been crossed, I’ll get off my Segway soapbox…
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I actually thought it was a hoax when I read the headline yesterday. Cruel, cruel irony…
As to your segway challenge – PLEASE sell tickets!! You could make a boatload of money for some charity :-).
That’s not a bad idea at all
Shaking my head and cracking up.
I took a segway tour, and learned that those machines are amazingly nimble. Your plan to zig-zag might not work. Just stick to the tight alleys.
They are, but I still don’t think they can keep up with me. I have the reflexes of a cat! El Gato Loco!!!