My Homeless Racist Assailant

I had the most ridiculous racist experience of my life last Thursday. I was working late that evening, and did not leave the office until around 8PM. Instead of going straight home, I decided to stop by the Borders on L Street. That particular store is going out of business, so I decided to reward myself with marked-down books selling for the price of “cheap.”

On the way to Borders, I ran into my friend Tiffany. Tiffany had been working late herself, but instead of Borders, she chose to hit the nearest happy hour. She was outside of this lounge smoking when I stopped to talk to her. We were standing close to the door of the establishment, pretty far from pedestrian sidewalk traffic.

After talking for a couple of minutes, I felt something hit me in the back of my leg. I turned around and saw a homeless woman with a small cart standing behind me. This woman had to have hit me on purpose, because as I said before, I was nowhere near the Connecticut Avenue pedestrian sidewalk traffic. I’m sure the look that I gave her was one of confusion, because the bump was not painful so I was not angry. The homeless woman  looked at Tiffany and, then said “You’re a bunch of monkeys!

Hearing this raggedy, unkempt woman use a  racial epithet was so absurd that once again, I could not even get upset about it. The only thought running through my mind at the time was that this clown is homeless, yet she still felt entitled enough to be racist. She literally does not have a pot to piss in, nor a window to throw it out of. Do you understand the significance of what I just said?! The woman ain’t got no piss-pot!

Say that last sentence out loud, because it’s even more amusing when spoken. Trust me on this one.

I just followed my instinct, which was to say “Get the f*ck out my face you scuzzy b*tch” then instantly look at Tiffany and start laughing. I spent another 10 minutes outside joking about the entire thing, mainly because I was really happy to have someone witness some of the tomfoolery that I write about here, live and in person. I don’t even think I could make up an incident like that if I tried! Tiffany, I shall call on you if ever I need someone to co-sign this story. Be ready.

The incident also made me think about something else: As much as I like revenge, taking the high road is more often than not the best course of action. I could have taken that little sh*tty crap-cart of hers and thrown it into oncoming traffic to get run over, but that would have made me a bully. Plus, it would require me to put my hands on her possessions and risk contracting leprosy, foot & ass disease, or whatever nasty critters she was probably carrying. I could have also called the police and reported the delicate assault, but sending her to jail would have done nothing but put a roof over her head for the night. Couple that with the stale baloney sandwich she’d get for breakfast, and she would have come out of that deal a winner.

I realized that life had sufficiently kicked her ass, so I might as well just laugh at this walking testament to the stupidity of racism. If being Caucasian really made all the difference, then she totally sucks at this genetic superiority thing. The woman is wasting the Hell out of all of that wrinkled, dirty, smelly white skin of hers.

I wanted to post this sooner, but I was going back and forth on whether or not to make this a video blog, complete with a reenactment of what happened. Who knows, I may still do that one day. In the meantime, I hope this story made you  laugh as much as it made me laugh when it actually happened.

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This post was written by who has written 1736 posts on Yeah…I said it.

Comedian, writer and shake dancer on the Chippendale's Senior Circuit.

39 Responses to “My Homeless Racist Assailant”

  1. MoreAndAgain 08. Mar, 2011 at 6:19 am #

    Before I laugh, I have to ask if she might’ve been mentally ill. And, if not. . . ROFL!

    • ListenToLeon 08. Mar, 2011 at 1:05 pm #

      In response to you and OSHH, she may have been, because many homeless people are indeed mentally ill. However, I did not have time to inquire about her mental health in this particular instance. Therefore, I just made fun of her antics instead!

  2. Alovelydai 08. Mar, 2011 at 9:19 am #

    “Piss pot” is indeed hilarious but her totally sucking at the “genetic superiority thing” is just priceless.

    • ListenToLeon 08. Mar, 2011 at 1:05 pm #

      Thanks. I was hoping someone would like that line.

  3. tiff 08. Mar, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    Hahhaa, reading on BB, so I might have missed, but you forgot to mention she was about 4 foot tall and rambled in some other language or something until she called us monkeys in perfect English!

    • OSHH 08. Mar, 2011 at 10:43 am #

      You know I was gonna say a great many of the homeless are mentally ill.

      • OSHH 08. Mar, 2011 at 10:45 am #

        sorry, this was suppose to be in response to MoreandAgain.

    • ListenToLeon 08. Mar, 2011 at 1:06 pm #

      I didn’t mention her height. Also, I think that “language” was plain ol’ American gibberish.

  4. Dirty Red 08. Mar, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

    I had a similar incident while I was in Hawaii last year. Homeless white woman…check…..not nan pot to piss in…check….nasty and dirty…check…The only difference was that this woman was walking down the beach telling everybody that was not White to get off HER Island. She ran up on us and was like “Go back to Africa niggers!!This is our Island!! This Island was given to us White People by our White God and his son Jesus!” And so on and so on.. We thought it was funny because it was obvious that this lady was crazy. But it was still kinda eye-opening though that even though we were staying in a 4 star beach front hotel and she was sleeping out on that beach under an umbrella, she knew she was better than us because of her dirty white skin. Go figure…

    • ListenToLeon 08. Mar, 2011 at 2:10 pm #

      It comes from a place of fear and insecurity. Weak-minded folks tend to dislike people who are different from them, and in most-cases, feel threatened by these differences. In her simple mind, being white was all she had left!

  5. whitemonkey 08. Mar, 2011 at 1:58 pm #

    The woman is wasting the Hell out of all of that wrinkled, dirty, smelly white skin of hers.

    And this statement isn’t racist of you? Eyeroll

    • ListenToLeon 08. Mar, 2011 at 2:03 pm #

      It’s sarcasm, which I thought the preceding sentences made crystal-clear.

      • ListenToLeon 08. Mar, 2011 at 2:17 pm #

        I don’t like having to explain jokes…Regular readers, would you all still read my site if I dumb it down for the rest of the people who end up here while Googling for random stuff like “Kim Kardashian sex tape” and “Laurence Fishburne’s daughter”*

        *two of my actual top search keyphrases

  6. CurlyQ 08. Mar, 2011 at 2:57 pm #

    Please dont dumb it down. Everything else is already watered down for the idiot masses. And I prefer my sarcasm crispy. thanks

  7. whitemonkey 08. Mar, 2011 at 3:58 pm #

    no you guys get to offended and call racism for everything, its getting old, its not the 60′s anymore. Deal with it

  8. MissE 08. Mar, 2011 at 6:04 pm #

    Did you really call her a scuzzy bitch? LMAO.

    • ListenToLeon 11. Mar, 2011 at 4:03 pm #

      Like the site says: “Yeah…I said it!”

  9. katsumi 08. Mar, 2011 at 7:57 pm #

    The piss-pot phrase was fantastic…it rolls off of the tongue rather nicely. But saying “Scuzzy Bitch…” Well. That just does it.

  10. NAYDIA 09. Mar, 2011 at 2:42 pm #

    leon,
    do lose the sarcasm its a talent most people cant do well and you sir have mastered it…. I will have to steal your line of scuzy bitch… I have a neighbor that needs to hear this.

  11. OSHH 09. Mar, 2011 at 5:05 pm #

    Don’t change a thing Leon!

  12. Ross 10. Mar, 2011 at 12:35 pm #

    Leon you don’t have to explain the humor. Whitemonkey knows exactly what he/she is doing-And doing it poorly i might add. The notion is evolved but the execution sucks. The woman was old, hence her wrinkled skin. The woman was a bum- bums are smelly and dirty. The bum was also white, therefore”wrinkled dirty, smelly white skin”.

    I hate when people employ this dumbass turnabout logic. The bum called Leon and his lady friend “monkeys”. Denounce that, or laugh at the story-but don’t come in here with that dismissive “who’s the real racist?” nonsense.

    • ListenToLeon 11. Mar, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

      @ Ross, I was hoping whitemonkey would continue to comment so I could make him/her look increasingly ridiculous, but alas, the fool gave up.

  13. GaylaDC 10. Mar, 2011 at 2:03 pm #

    Leon, I was inside the lounge you mention and when Tiffany came back in and told me the story, I was like WTF? I really couldn’t believe it but I still laughed. Now, you have given me the opportunity to laugh again.

    • ListenToLeon 11. Mar, 2011 at 4:06 pm #

      Yeah, it was funny. Too bad you didn’t get to actually see it

  14. Nicole 11. Mar, 2011 at 10:49 am #

    This post had me laughing out loud. Thanks for the early morning chuckle. And as instructed, I said the piss-pot statement out loud. You’re right; more amusing when I hear myself say it.

    • ListenToLeon 11. Mar, 2011 at 4:06 pm #

      Thanks for reading, AND for following instructions!

  15. Wild Cougar 11. Mar, 2011 at 9:27 pm #

    The absurdity of this woman’s attitude illustrates how racism is insanity.

    And its hilarious, when you think about it.

    • ListenToLeon 15. Mar, 2011 at 5:01 pm #

      It was definitely hilarious for that very reason

  16. Ol'Bubbleguts 13. Mar, 2011 at 3:44 pm #

    It’s Epithet not Epitaph yon most deacon of High Yella.
    Bounce,..

    • ListenToLeon 15. Mar, 2011 at 3:39 pm #

      I’ll fix it…since they’re totally two different words, and no one died in this story.

  17. M Slade 14. Mar, 2011 at 12:36 pm #

    Leon,

    The exact same thing happened to me about fifteen years ago. The only difference was that the homeless woman who assaulted me as eloquent.

    I was waiting on the corner for the light to change when this homeless lady hit me with a shopping bag, then yelled, “You people are vessels for filth and degredation!”

    • ListenToLeon 15. Mar, 2011 at 5:01 pm #

      LOL so yours read a book or two in her day!

  18. LoudPen 17. Mar, 2011 at 7:58 pm #

    Yea the piss-pot line definitely needed to be read aloud and it was even funnier. Hilarious post and don’t let the haters get ya down.

  19. Nick 13. May, 2011 at 3:25 pm #

    “out of all of  that wrinkled” dude you got a double space in there you should get that sorted ASAP, cheers

    • ListenToLeon 13. May, 2011 at 5:11 pm #

      Thanks. I need to get an editor over here someday!

  20. Kathleen 14. Jul, 2011 at 11:49 pm #

    LMAO

  21. Denzo 21. Aug, 2012 at 2:39 pm #

    Well, at my local basketball court, over half the black dudes think there too good to talk to anybody not black, and half of them cant even ball, they just talk heaps. And they are not mentally retarded or homeless. Just like that I guess. This shit cant go on forever. And man dont be so sensitive, its a homeless person, she was probably mentally ill, and probably thought you were a monkey, but NOT CAUSE YOU WERE black. Just cause to her shit is crazy.

    I dont care, generally I love black people, and respect them, so thats all that matters to me.

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