I had the most ridiculous racist experience of my life last Thursday. I was working late that evening, and did not leave the office until around 8PM. Instead of going straight home, I decided to stop by the Borders on L Street. That particular store is going out of business, so I decided to reward myself with marked-down books selling for the price of “cheap.”
On the way to Borders, I ran into my friend Tiffany. Tiffany had been working late herself, but instead of Borders, she chose to hit the nearest happy hour. She was outside of this lounge smoking when I stopped to talk to her. We were standing close to the door of the establishment, pretty far from pedestrian sidewalk traffic.
After talking for a couple of minutes, I felt something hit me in the back of my leg. I turned around and saw a homeless woman with a small cart standing behind me. This woman had to have hit me on purpose, because as I said before, I was nowhere near the Connecticut Avenue pedestrian sidewalk traffic. I’m sure the look that I gave her was one of confusion, because the bump was not painful so I was not angry. The homeless woman looked at Tiffany and, then said “You’re a bunch of monkeys!”
Hearing this raggedy, unkempt woman use a racial epithet was so absurd that once again, I could not even get upset about it. The only thought running through my mind at the time was that this clown is homeless, yet she still felt entitled enough to be racist. She literally does not have a pot to piss in, nor a window to throw it out of. Do you understand the significance of what I just said?! The woman ain’t got no piss-pot!
Say that last sentence out loud, because it’s even more amusing when spoken. Trust me on this one.
I just followed my instinct, which was to say “Get the f*ck out my face you scuzzy b*tch” then instantly look at Tiffany and start laughing. I spent another 10 minutes outside joking about the entire thing, mainly because I was really happy to have someone witness some of the tomfoolery that I write about here, live and in person. I don’t even think I could make up an incident like that if I tried! Tiffany, I shall call on you if ever I need someone to co-sign this story. Be ready.
The incident also made me think about something else: As much as I like revenge, taking the high road is more often than not the best course of action. I could have taken that little sh*tty crap-cart of hers and thrown it into oncoming traffic to get run over, but that would have made me a bully. Plus, it would require me to put my hands on her possessions and risk contracting leprosy, foot & ass disease, or whatever nasty critters she was probably carrying. I could have also called the police and reported the delicate assault, but sending her to jail would have done nothing but put a roof over her head for the night. Couple that with the stale baloney sandwich she’d get for breakfast, and she would have come out of that deal a winner.
I realized that life had sufficiently kicked her ass, so I might as well just laugh at this walking testament to the stupidity of racism. If being Caucasian really made all the difference, then she totally sucks at this genetic superiority thing. The woman is wasting the Hell out of all of that wrinkled, dirty, smelly white skin of hers.
I wanted to post this sooner, but I was going back and forth on whether or not to make this a video blog, complete with a reenactment of what happened. Who knows, I may still do that one day. In the meantime, I hope this story made you laugh as much as it made me laugh when it actually happened.Tweet