I Am Half-Assed Healthy

Rip It energy drink

I’ve noticed a trend lately: for every action I take to improve my quality of life, I do something else that’s at best, unhealthy, and at worst, completely reckless. I am, in effect, half-assed healthy.

I’m the type of guy who will order a salad at a bar, then imediately proceed to drink beer and liquor for hours. I barely ever eat red meat, but I’ll f*ck up anything containing bacon at a moment’s notice. I’m dead serious on that one. I found myself eating chocolate covered bacon on Saturday…And guess what? I F*CKED IT THE F*CK UP! Did you honestly expect anything else?

I feel compelled to write about my half-assed healthiness today because I woke up thinking about doing the right thing and working out. However, I was a little groggy this morning, so I decided to get an energy drink to help me wake up so I could  train hard like a montage from a Rocky film.

It was a horrible idea. I trained hard alright, but I started feeling all kinds of disgusting towards the end of my workout. I am still slightly nauseous four hours later. I did not throw up, but it kind of feels like deep down, my body wants to. It’s similar to taking numerous shots of tequila, yet reaping none of the benefits like drunken good times, laughter and horrible decision-making with someone of the opposite sex. Sure, I could fight crime right now by merely flashing my abdominals at criminals and watching them cower in fear, but next time I need to remember to drink water instead of an energy drink.

In fairness to any energy drink companies out there reading this, I need to give full product disclosure. I didn’t just drink an energy drink; I drank the cheapest sh*t on the shelf. This morning, I consumed a 99¢ Rip It energy drink, which was basically a big ass grape soda with a ton of caffeine. That’s right, I kept it extra-negro and chose the grape flavor. Nothing wrong with enhancing stereotypes when said stereotype is delicious! However, that drink is aptly named, because Rip It is doing just that to my insides.

It keeping with the half-assed healthy theme, I am proud to announce that I am working with Project Fitness on presenting a series of healthy happy hours in the near future. Yes, there will be some alcohol(since it is a happy hour after all), but it’s more about improving your fitness level and lifestyle in general. I’ll keep you all posted on that. In the meantime, I’m going to drink some water and hope that my demise is not ultimately brought on by some God-forsaken $.99 energy drink I purchased at a corner bodega.

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This post was written by who has written 1743 posts on Yeah…I said it.

Comedian, writer and Patron Saint of High Yellow.

15 Responses to “I Am Half-Assed Healthy”

  1. Autumn Banks 15. Jun, 2011 at 12:35 pm #

    Leon I feel half-assed healthy too. Sorry to stay on the unhealthy tip but where did you have chocolate covered bacon? I must try this immediately.

    • ListenToLeon 17. Jun, 2011 at 2:06 pm #

      I’ll get some for you, since I had no birthday gift yesterday!

  2. Buji 15. Jun, 2011 at 12:37 pm #

    ”I kept it extra-negro and chose the grape flavor.”

    Man, your blog stays cracking me up.

  3. BK 15. Jun, 2011 at 1:59 pm #

    I’m so mad at you!!!! choc covered bacon???? rip it energy drink??????

    I’m gonna fight you.. u got a arse whooping coming AND I’m gonna make you take my class..

    • ListenToLeon 17. Jun, 2011 at 2:06 pm #

      You’re pregnant. You can’t whoop me!!!

  4. modi 15. Jun, 2011 at 2:33 pm #


    so true. this is my life in a blog post.

  5. Andi 15. Jun, 2011 at 3:19 pm #

    Eww @ grape flavored energy drink…that turned my tummy. We are all half-assed healthy. Upon realizing that I was losing everything I love about me to working out, eating healthy and drinking half as much alcohol as before, I stopped working out. Because I was still losing weight, I started eating f*ckery.The end result, I’m not gainging weight but my tummy periodically tells me to f*ck off. BTW I hope the next “healthy” happy hour isn’t like the last one as far as liquor goes, mine didn’t even feel like there was any alcohol for what I paid for it.

    • Andi 15. Jun, 2011 at 3:21 pm #

      I hope your tummy feels better soon. That soon to be sick feeling isn’t cool at all.

    • ListenToLeon 17. Jun, 2011 at 2:10 pm #

      The thing you went to was something completely different altogether. I’m working at having food & drink sponsored at the healthy happy hour event.

  6. CurlyQ 15. Jun, 2011 at 3:38 pm #


    TELL ME NOW!!!!

    • ListenToLeon 17. Jun, 2011 at 1:58 pm #

      I got some from Coco Sala, but they also sell it in certain wine shops in the city. It might be cheaper at the wine stores!

  7. OSHH 16. Jun, 2011 at 12:20 pm #

    LOL…@f&cked it the fu*k up! and keep it extra negroe with the grape flavor LLS.

    Leon I maybe can help with some fitness tips as I am a fitness enthusiast and half assed healthy myself… I drink in moderation though and have other accoutrements LOL, but workout reg with weights and cardio and eat right most of the time.

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