I’ve noticed a trend lately: for every action I take to improve my quality of life, I do something else that’s at best, unhealthy, and at worst, completely reckless. I am, in effect, half-assed healthy.
I’m the type of guy who will order a salad at a bar, then imediately proceed to drink beer and liquor for hours. I barely ever eat red meat, but I’ll f*ck up anything containing bacon at a moment’s notice. I’m dead serious on that one. I found myself eating chocolate covered bacon on Saturday…And guess what? I F*CKED IT THE F*CK UP! Did you honestly expect anything else?
I feel compelled to write about my half-assed healthiness today because I woke up thinking about doing the right thing and working out. However, I was a little groggy this morning, so I decided to get an energy drink to help me wake up so I could train hard like a montage from a Rocky film.
It was a horrible idea. I trained hard alright, but I started feeling all kinds of disgusting towards the end of my workout. I am still slightly nauseous four hours later. I did not throw up, but it kind of feels like deep down, my body wants to. It’s similar to taking numerous shots of tequila, yet reaping none of the benefits like drunken good times, laughter and horrible decision-making with someone of the opposite sex. Sure, I could fight crime right now by merely flashing my abdominals at criminals and watching them cower in fear, but next time I need to remember to drink water instead of an energy drink.
In fairness to any energy drink companies out there reading this, I need to give full product disclosure. I didn’t just drink an energy drink; I drank the cheapest sh*t on the shelf. This morning, I consumed a 99¢ Rip It energy drink, which was basically a big ass grape soda with a ton of caffeine. That’s right, I kept it extra-negro and chose the grape flavor. Nothing wrong with enhancing stereotypes when said stereotype is delicious! However, that drink is aptly named, because Rip It is doing just that to my insides.
It keeping with the half-assed healthy theme, I am proud to announce that I am working with Project Fitness on presenting a series of healthy happy hours in the near future. Yes, there will be some alcohol(since it is a happy hour after all), but it’s more about improving your fitness level and lifestyle in general. I’ll keep you all posted on that. In the meantime, I’m going to drink some water and hope that my demise is not ultimately brought on by some God-forsaken $.99 energy drink I purchased at a corner bodega.Tweet