If this photo gets your eyes pregnant, please don't take me on Maury
I am an amateur sex symbol. I’m sure you knew that the moment you laid eyes on the oh-so classy photo above. I say “amateur” mainly because, well, honestly, I am not quite good-looking enough for people to actually pay me for it. Then again, I am aesthetically pleasing enough to run my mouth and make all kinds of outlandish statements, free of consequence. It is this liberal spritzing of I don’t give a damn-ness encasing my soul, that gives me the confidence and testicular fortitude to be a habitual flirt. I have slowed down in recent years, but experience has made me a 5th degree black belt ginsu master from the Woo-Shoo House of Bishlemmeholleratcha.
Now that we’ve established my credentials as well as the awesome might of my Thor-like biceps, it is my duty to say these next few sentences as bluntly as possible: When flirting with someone, the most important thing is recognizing boundaries and staying within them. Once you step out of bounds, you’re setting yourself up for failure, and possible ridicule. So stop it. Just…Stop it.
I know what you’re thinking: “Why in the Hell is Leon going on such a tangent?” Well, I’ll tell you why. Another gay dude tried to test me back when I was in Los Angeles. It didn’t upset me or anything, because I’m a grown man comfortable in my love of vagina, and the women who have them. Plus, I guess it’s a compliment to be found attractive by anyone, although as I said before, it’s not truly a positive unless it’s a woman. Preferably a pretty one. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I’ll tell the story of what happened in a respectable way, because the dude I’m making these jokes about is actually a nice person. A little TOO friendly, but a nice person nonetheless. Therefore, I’m using what happened as an instructional guide on how not to flirt with people.
Flashback to the other weekend: I’m at my college friend’s hotel where my conference was in Los Angeles, and we were getting ready to buy some liquor and pre-game before figuring out what to do that night. As we approached the door to the lobby, we saw some other folks from the conference, most of whom were quite gay. We spoke for awhile, and I was introduced to about 3 or 4 people I’d never met before. The guy closest to me was making jokes, so you know me, I said something funny back. When he laughed and responded, he touched my arm.
I didn’t think anything of it at first, although I do know that most of the times I’ve touched a woman’s arm like that, I was doing it to establish a comfort zone so that I could gradually establish more physical contact…but like I said, I wasn’t thinking about it that much since it happened so fast.
It wasn’t until he made another joke where I thought to myself “This guy is trying to test me and run game!” This time, after he said something, he touched my arm again, and tried to rub it down on some ol’ sensual sh*t. Again, I didn’t want to assume anything, but I gradually pulled my arm back and looked at him like he was crazy. I then started talking to the rest of the group again, since I didn’t want to be the person to overreact by doing something like yelling out “STOP TRYING TO RAPE MY ARM!”
The thing that I guess gay men don’t realize is that MEN ARE MEN! We know when someone is trying to run game, because we do the same thing to women ALL OF THE TIME! You can’t fool us! That subtle seduction B.S. is only going to work on other gay guys. I say all that, but I haven’t even gotten to the part of the story where dude officially crossed the line.
After I said something else to the group, this guy makes another joke, but this time puts his hand on my chest. I don’t care who you are: you don’t touch people’s chests unless you’re trying to f*ck them! Ladies, when was the last time another woman put her hand on your chest in casual conversation? Fellas, if you randomly place your hand on your boy’s chest, he’s either going to look at you like “what’s wrong with you?” or punch you in YOUR chest out of sheer instinct. As a straight male, I know that when a woman has her hand on my chest, she’s at least thinking about kissing me, and possibly more if I don’t say something stupid and talk my way out of it. Basically, touching someone on the chest is a boundary for everyone, male, female, gay or straight.
It was at this point where I nipped the conversation in the bud and was like “OK, it’s time to go now.” Like I said, I didn’t overreact, but I realized that situation wasn’t going to get any better unless I removed myself from it, or called him out. I think playing it cool was the right choice of action, although I don’t want a man’s hand to touch my sternum like that ever again in life.
The moral of the story(and yes, there is one) is, respect people’s boundaries. I guarantee if I go to a bar tonight and touch a woman’s chest, I’m at best, getting a drink thrown on me, and at worst, going to jail. So use common sense!
Sincerely,
Leon,
a.k.a. The Exellence of Execution
a.k.a. The Heart Break Kid
a.k.a. The Latter-Day Playboy Buddy Rose
…Hold up. I can’t leave without paying proper homage to pro wrestling legend Playboy Buddy Rose real quick! This fat, sloppy greasy mass of humanity got beaten by just about everyone of note, still had the nerve to call to himself “Playboy.” I love the old-school irony in that name! It’s like calling a huge person “Tiny” or calling a bald person “Curly.” Playboy Buddy Rose: unbelievable self-confidence, or delusions of grandeur? Whatever the case, I salute the man and his memory!
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you are special. LOL
Apparently, that dude thought so too. :-/
Do you have that questionable look? Hmmm
No, I’m just too nice. I should stop looking approachable, & start ice-grilling everyone!
Well, whatever it takes for folks to learn boundaries right?
Some things should just be inherently known.
i MUST know what joke he made prior to touching your chest! He had to think it was draws dropping funny.
The sad part is, I don’t even remember. I just remember my pectoral being violated, and leaving immediately!
LOL!!! Not an amateur sex symbol! Damn!!
Yeah man, I’m working my way up to Billy Dee Williams status!
I don’t like strangers or folk I haven’t invited touching me period but some people are BOLD. You played it right Leon, they mofos got hungry eyes and hands evidently LOL.
LOL yeah, I wasn’t prepared for the arm rub OR the chest touch!
Well done again Leon. Glad to see you held your composure. I was waiting for a, “Punk touch me again and I’ll Slap the Sh*t outta you.” Glad to see you’re selling the shirts! I’ll be ordering a couple shortly.
I appreciate it, Fred! You can tell I’ve matured over the years, because the old me would have been very vocal about the situation!