Rumors are already swirling that the Washington Monument is leaning. *side-eye smirk*
I managed to survive my first earthquake today, and learned a bunch of interesting tidbits in the process. Living in the DC area, an earthquake is a pretty rare occurrence. Therefore, when something of this magnitude happens, it tells you a lot about pretty much everything. Below, I have outlined my Earthquake lessons for your reading pleasure:
Leon’s Earthquake Lessons:
Lesson 1: I’m pretty calm in life-threatening situations – When the earthquake hit, a couple of folks near me panicked. I, on the other hand, listened to the “get in a doorway” advice that was being shouted out, and made a few jokes to ease the tension. Of course, I could not resist making losing my earthquake virginity quips, while thanking Mother Nature for taking her time and being gentle with me.
I’m told some people actually hurt themselves jumping out of windows instead of taking a second to wait and see if anything were going to actually happen, literally taking “jumping the gun” to new levels. In hindsight, my toilet humor was totally acceptable in comparison. Responsible, even!
Lesson 2: Advances in cell phone technology don’t mean sh*t – It sucks to know that my cell phone is pretty useless in an actual emergency. While trying to call and text my loved ones to make sure they were alright, I was able to accomplish absolutely nothing. I felt like one of the bad guys from one of those Superman films who tries to shoot him with a pistol, and once all of the bullets bounce off of his chest, they throw the gun as if that were really going to do anything. So my “smart” phone does every conceivable time-wasting task under the sun, EXCEPT let my Grandma know that I haven’t fallen to a fiery death down some elevator shaft, or gotten buried under a pile of debris. Nice to know. *throws phone at Superman*
On a side note. I love how in the old-school Superman films, The Man of Steel would let the bullets bounce off his chest, then duck when the empty gun is thrown at him. I guess when you think about it from an actor’s perspective, make believe bullets don’t hurt, but plastic prop guns do!
Lesson 3: People forget that you’re Black when they’re just happy to be alive – In the wake of the corny jokes being made post-earthquake, one of my bosses read an email aloud that said “Hey guys! The National Geological Service confirmed that what just happened was the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves because Obama is President.”
Part of me wanted to yell out “THE N*GGA IS STILL IN THE BUILDING! Can’t y’all wait for me to go home first?!” Then I thought about it; I don’t even care if this joke was based on race, politics, or any other factor that’s more or less inappropriate for the workplace. I only cared because the joke was corny. I mean, even if it were the Founding Fathers, they’re pretty late with their passive-aggressive supernatural protest against the Barack Obama. Besides, is this the best they could do? I mean, Godzilla breathed fire, kicked down buildings and had a kick-ass theme song when he laid waste to Tokyo. Are you trying to tell me that George Washington, James Madison and the rest of them n*ggas could only muster the force of one of King Kong’s silent-but-violent farts during their rampage? The men who drafted the Constitution are better than that, damn it!
Even if they did own slaves…
Lesson 4: People will use anything as an excuse to get drunk – it only took 45 minutes before I’d been invited to three Earthquake-themed happy hours complete with signature drink specials. Gotta love that hustler’s spirit and ingenuity, even if it means planning your event before they’ve even announced a richter scale number for the quake.
Lesson 5: Even my YouTube habits are ridiculously A.D.D. – Once I finally returned to the office, I began looking up songs with the word “Shake” in the title. Like this one. And this one. And this one, even though the official title is “Jump In The Line.” I even started watching clips of Hakeem Olajuwon embarrassing David Robinson with his patented Dream Shake. Somebody help!
I’m going to get back to being productive right now, but I hope you’re all safe and sound. I’ll probably be back on here tonight, posting the entry I initially planned to before an act of God changed my plans.
You are so crazy! Love this!
“…The n*gga is still in the building…” CLASSIC!
Yeah, I feel like that sometimes
You are crazy. It is good to know my family is good and has not lost their sense of humor
That will never happen!
You are funny and great minds think alike cause I was gonna post something similar but not really.
You still should
Hillarious!!! Thanks for this. I’m so late in even realizing that people elsewhere felt the quake. It was such a busy day that I’m just now calming down and realizing that it was some seriously unsettling shit that took place…
Yeah, you must have been extra-focused not to have felt it
Hey? Forefathers???? I thought the quake was Kim Kardashian’s father falling over after viewing her sex tape given as a givaway at her hubbies bachelor party!!!!
Ya got funny stuff man!!!!
LOL Thanks
My husbands co-worker said to him after running out of the building right behind “Moe man you know im not prejudice but when I see a black man run I had to follow you” they just laughed.
That’s hilarious! He’s a smart man!