Apparently I Have Crazy Beat-A-B*tch Face

The only true similarity is that we're both yellow.

The past weekend, I had a couple of interesting conversations with strangers. The first was when a salesperson in some store walked up to me and said “You look like a young Manny Ramirez from back when he played in Cleveland.” The guy went on to talk about the time he met Ramirez as a kid, and how he grew up in the Cleveland area. The whole time, I had one thought in my head:

“I’ve never heard a ‘Manny Ramirez’ comparison before. Is he trying to say that I have crazy, beat-a-bitch face?”

I was nice to the guy, since he seemed to take great joy in reminiscing on his meeting Mr. Ramirez in the 90′s. I couldn’t take that from him by saying “I don’t look like Manny Ramirez, Manny Pacquiao, or any other ‘Manny’ on Earth!” Besides, I truly could not remember what old school Manny looked like. I just pictured the giant, dread locked, super-size Manny we all know today.

Once I did a Google search for Manny in his Cleveland Indians days, I can’t even front: I said to myself “OK. That joker DOES kinda look like me! I must have the most generic high-yellow face of all time.”  So to the salesman on Saturday, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry for doubting you. Glad I could help you relive your Manny memories. I’m also glad said memories do not involve drug testing or domestic violence.

Speaking of performance-enhancing drugs, the conversation I had the very next day was even more random. I was at the gym, and there is a fellow gym-goer who looks like a perpetually angry, light-skinned Bizarro-world version of my friend Tajh. I call this guy, Evil Tajh. Well, Evil Tajh approached me and said “I notice that you’ve gotten results from working out here. You’re bigger & cut up than before. What have you been doing? Do you use a trainer?”

I responded by telling him that I don’t use a personal trainer, but I try to get in there 4-5 times a week and push myself with each workout. He responded to this by saying “Is that all you’re doing?”

It was at that point where I thought to myself “I think this nigga is trying to insinuate that I’m using steroids or some other dick-shrinking muscle growing poison!” However, getting defensive and angry at him for asking a question would only heighten his steroid suspicions. More importantly, he might not have meant anything like that at all, so it might not even be necessary. My response to Evil Tajh that the only other thing I’m doing is trying to eat better. He seemed satisfied with that answer and went back to his workout, and I got back to mine.

I guess my workouts really are making a difference when strangers start asking me if I’m juicing. It’s funny to me, because I’m not a pro athlete, so I’d have no practical use for dick-shrinking muscle drugs, ever. It would be pointless to walk around looking like I’ve been locked up in Sing-Sing for the past 5 years, just for the Hell of it. Besides, you only get one body. Once you f*ck it up, that’s it. I can’t trade mine in for a taller model with a better jump shot and less mileage; therefore, I am forced to respect it.

Be Sociable, Share!

•