A CVS employee nearly killed me last week. As I was on my way home from a long day at work, I walked past a guy loading an 8-9 foot tall pallet stack of random drug store merchandise onto a truck. As soon as I made it one step beyond where the fellow was, he somehow managed to drop everything, and it fell directly behind me. Had I slowed down for even one step, I would have been, at best, hurt badly, At worst, I’d have been taken out by some random clown on his job.
Whenever someone has a near-death experience, it makes one re-evaluate life. When that death comes at the hands of a minimum wage drug store employee, it’s about ten times more eye-opening. Before anyone tries to correct me on that guy’s salary, I’m sure he makes more than minimum wage. He obviously does not deserve that money since he tried to kill me with boxes of Hot Pockets and Depends undergarments, but I do realize he’s doing somewhat better than minimum wage.
The worst part about this is that if this were an assassination attempt, I would not even know who to blame. Was it Iran? They’ve been doing this kind of thing lately, albeit to people slightly more influential to me. Could it have been an angry ex-girlfriend whom I’m no longer pleasuring immensely? I even got into it with the Guardian Angels on Twitter last week after making fun of their red berets, so there’s a real possibility it was an an overly sensitive crime fighter behind this. I’ve made more enemies than I realized over the years!
More than likely, it was simply the fault of some incompetent screw up who simply, well, screwed up. I’m sure he’ll almost kill again someday, so I’m going to be on the lookout next time I walk past any CVS Pharmacies. I haven’t accomplished enough with my life yet to be at peace with dying in such a manner. My ghost would have to come back and haunt the sh*t out of that store.