Shia Needs to Stop Going to Bars

What Shia SHOULD HAVE done

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this like the 3rd or 4th bar fight that Shia LeBeouf has gotten into? Judging from the beating he just took, I hope he thinks twice about getting into another one. You know you’re getting your ass kicked when a guy on crutches feels the need to intervene. Dude was probably watching on the sideline like “I can’t walk on my own, but DAMN! I gotta do something about this! Shia is getting the Eagle Eye sh*t kicked out of him.”

Shia LeBeouf is obviously too angry of a drunk to continue hanging out in Canadian bars. I hope he finds a good coffee shop or wine tasting to attend tonight, because I would hate for this to happen all over again. Shia, if you’re reading this, you don’t have anything to prove! Your name is Shia LeBeouf; you intimidate no one. Just stick to fake beating people up in action movies, and everything will be right in the world.

Shia’s friends are the worst. They didn’t even help him out when the saw that he was on his back on the pavement. They let Mr. Hop-along Crutches break it up instead of trying to intervene. Then again, I don’t know the whole story. Maybe they saw Shia staring trouble with that guy, and said “If you don’t stop bothering that man for no reason, I’m not helping you if he wants to fight.” In that instance, I might be able to understand. As a man, there are only three acceptable scenarios where it’s OK to stand back and just let your friend take an ass whooping:

1. If you have clearly told your buddy to calm down and stop f*cking with people, yet this fool insists on continuing to cross the line…
2. If you have a really good job and/or warrants out for your arrest. Come to think of it, ANY reason why a stupid bar fight might ruin your life is good enough.
3. If  friends or family start fighting with each other, just let ‘em go at it until they get tired, you hear police sirens or someone starts losing badly. Whichever happens first.

Speaking of ass whippings, I don’t know if any of you all saw the video of the girls in New York who decided to play “let’s pretend I have testicles” and attacked a McDonalds clerk, not knowing the guy was a convicted felon who’d killed a man before. They hit him, and as he walked away, they jumped the counter and went after him, thinking he was some kind of easy victim. That’s the precise moment when instant karma caught up to them, because main man turned around and beat the holy Hell out of them with a metal pipe. Now, I’m not an advocate of violence against women, but I am, however, a realist. If you’re going to attempt to fight a grown man, realize that you’re gambling with your life. As tough as you think you are, tough rarely beats crazy, especially when crazy is stronger than you and armed! Here is the link to that video.

Ladies, rest assured that I would not beat any of you with a lead pipe if you were to attack me. I’d merely walk away. That is, unless you actually attempt to scratch this ruggedly handsome face of mine. In that case, I’d calmly and firmly take you by the arms and shake the ever-loving sh*t out of you, then possibly restrain you in a painful arm bar or chicken wing until you say “I AIN’T GON’ DO IT NO MORE!!!”  I’d do it in the most tender and loving fashion possible, though.

Come to think of it, if a woman intended to harm me AND she appeared to be armed…Well then, I guess I spoke too soon, because I would probably use anything available to defend myself, even if it is a lead pipe. I’d be a gentleman about it though. I’d only hit her until she starts to cry. Then, I’d toss over a towel to stop the bleeding, and if necessary, a plastic bag so she could gather her teeth from off the floor. I would stick around for the ambulance to arrive, but you know, “Officer, I had to beat her to a bloody pulp in self-defense” never sounds believable to law enforcement.

All inappropriate violence jokes aside, let’s hope that these two videos of random Tomfuckery and keeping it real gone wrong inspire the world to remain peaceful and avoid getting into stupid fights. Remember, you too could be lying on the sidewalk outside a bar in Canada being ridiculed by people with funny accents, or even worse, getting beaten within an inch of your life by a fed up fast-food employee.

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