My little cousin, thuggin in pampers. There's Henny in that sippy cup. OK. Not really. My family doesn't roll THAT hard.
The overriding theme of my Thanksgiving was “kids.” The entire weekend, I was around the next generation of my family as well as the families of close friends. A good number of said friends and relatives apparently had lots of sex during the blizzard of 2009, because all of the children around me this weekend are around 2 years of age. As a grown man and retired sex symbol, I naturally began to think to myself “I should probably get my sh*t together so I’ll be ready when it comes time to have a kid.”
Then, I slapped myself in the mouth for allowing my brain to process such a thought. I’ll get my sh*t together, but I’m doing it for me, not for some non-existent rug rat! I, like all men who get laid, have been through a couple of pregnancy scares in my day. I’m actually pleasantly surprised that no one has tried to take me on the Maury Povitch Show yet. This is most likely a credit to the fact that I’ve been very good about condom use, and 90% of the people I’ve slept with over the years have good sense and would probably make fit parents. Of course, there’s that 10% of crazy chicks, but who doesn’t have those?
Really? I’m the only one whose slept with crazy women? If so, y’all don’t know what you’re missing. Crazy women are, on average, better in bed than well-adjusted ladies. I do not know why that is. I guess it’s another one of God’s cruel jokes, like the lady with the perfect body & the Sam Cassell face whom I wrote about earlier this year.
Back to the subject of babies, I even went to far as to ask my Mom if her constant habit of asking about my ex-girlfriends is a subliminal way of saying “Bitch hurry up and give me a grandchild.”
She replied that it’s more a cry of “Bitch, hurry up and marry someone, then give me a grandchild.” I can respect that answer. I’m not going to rush anything, but in all honesty, if I’m going to have a child, I definitely want it to happen with someone that I loved enough to marry. Things would probably be more stable and the baby’s first words are less-likely be “slutbucket” or some other obscene name he or she overheard me calling the mother. Therefore, I’m not having any kids for the foreseeable future. This blog will have to serve as my child in the meantime. Therefore, I’m going to nurture the f*ck out of it until it grows big & strong. Hopefully, I’ll raise it right so it becomes successful and takes care of me in my old age.
Speaking of kids, have any of you met someone who hates children? This past weekend, I found out that a friend of some friends of mine hates kids. I found this out, because I was making my friend’s child laugh repeatedly, which irritated this woman to the point that she began screaming at me and the child. My first instinct was to tell her to go f*ck herself, but I remembered that she was cool 10 minutes before, and everyone in the place was nice & friendly until then. I also resisted this urge because the child was still next to me, and I’ve already proven that I’m not the best role model before, so there was no need to curse out a woman in front of her.
I just laughed it off and told her that she could have just asked me to stop making her laugh, but at that point, she was visibly distraught and her husband took her home. In her defense, the kid was screaming with laughter, but then again, SHE’S A F*CKING KID! That’s what they do.
A debate raged on for like 30 minutes after that as to what type of person hates kids. Honestly, I won’t judge her for it. Personally, I love kids, puppies, kittens and damn near anything else cute or adorable, but that’s me. Maybe she has a reason to hate kids. Maybe a gang of toddlers brutally murdered her family when she herself was young. I really don’t know what got her to this point. Honestly, I really don’t care. That said, I am not going to judge her for feeling that way. Obviously, I’ll make jokes about it, since that’s what’s happening right now, but when I see her again, it’ll be all love on my end.
I’m going to use this last paragraph to say that I feel blessed to have such an amazing family and so many wonderful friends. Seeing how much their kids have grown has made me realize that I don’t see folks often enough. The last time I saw my little niece, she was barely talking. On Saturday however, she almost tricked me into giving her leftover Halloween candy before dinner. It took all the strength in me to resist all that cute, but I held firm and told her I could not give her any candy.
OK. I’m lying. I made my Stepfather the bad guy and said “Did Granddad say you could have any candy?” I know it was a cop-out, but look at her, damn it! It’s hard to be stern to a child that cute!
Aww, getting soft and sappy in your old age Leon? I like it, its cute. Also, I feel you… I’m surrounded by kids and I know my biological clock is ticking like a mofo but, hey – I gots lots more travelling to do first! Plus I need to find my future hubby anyway. But yes, I agree… your cousin and your niece are both crazy cute. They make my ovaries hurt :(
As long as I can still shoot something out of my thing, I’m in no hurry to have kids! Women have way more pressure in that dept.
You did not just say “as long as I can still shoot something out of my thing”
SMH
As the title reads: “Yeah…I said it!” ;-)
LMBO I love kids puppys and all that however I love being Auntie Godmom and babysitter you get to play with them get all your I want to be a Mommy feelings out sugar them up and then send their bad little a**es home and all is once again right in the world when you spoke of the woman who got visibly upset about you and the child playing I thought of my girlfriend who had recently miscarried and wondered if that may have been the situation maybe it was to soon for her to be out amongst family and friends in that type of setting just a thought we had an adult dinnner with her just to show support. Just a thought or she may very well be a kid hater!!!! LOL
I was thinking maybe it was something like that, but folks were saying that it’s a choice she made & not because she can’t have kids. Than again, this is all second-hand hearsay, so who knows…
ok – i will admit it because I’ve never been shy about it. I dont like kids. And no, i will never be giving birth to any. Doesn’t matter to me what age it is. If it cries, i can’t stand it. But oddly enough, kids are attracted to me even after I tell them to go be near someone that loves them. Guess they like the honesty. shrug.
Not sure where it stems from but I’ve pretty much always felt that way since I was little. Rarely even hung out with folks my age growing up. Preferring to hang out with the older set.
Unlike the woman in your story – i prob would have just left the room.
I forgot that you aren’t a fan of kids. I remember you saying that years ago.