Saturday, I took what was supposed to be a leisurely trip to the zoo. The “leisurely” part did not last long, as I was forced to chase down and intimidate an 8 year old. I know it sounds evil, but once I explain why I did it, you’ll understand.
I was enjoying an afternoon with a lovely companion who will probably want me to keep her name out of this, so I shall hereby refer to her sexy ass as “LC.” LC and I were having an awesome time, and we’d just seen lions, tigers, bears, even a gazelle playing with himself. It was amazing. Not the gazelle playing with himself, but the overall day.
It began to drizzle lightly and being the chivalrous sex symbol that I am, I got out my umbrella and gave it to LC. She’s black, and I know that black women’s hair & water have beef on occasion. Therefore, this gentlemanly deed was a no-brainier. The only unfortunate part was that LC opened the umbrella right near the prairie dogs at the zoo, which scared them half to death. We ate food and walked back to the prairie dog area an hour later once the rain stopped, and they had yet to resurface from their holes in the ground. Poor traumatized little fellows…
So after making fun of LC for making the prairie dogs hide underground & smoke cigarettes to calm their nerves, I managed to leave my umbrella sitting right near the side of their section. We walked about 30 feet away before LC asked me if I had the umbrella. I looked back and saw it next to the prairie dog area, but then saw a little 8 year old fat kid grab it while he was walking by with his mother. He didn’t even look around or break his stride so I knew that wasn’t his first time stealing something. I said to LC “That little fat kid stole my umbrella! F*ck that! I’m getting it back!”
I proceeded to power walk over to the child and his family. I was going to run, but that would have made everyone look at me, plus alerted the kid to the presence of an angry black man charging toward him. LC knew I was about to leave “mild mannered” behind and make a scene of epic proportions, so she sped up ahead of me and intervened. She went up to the boy and said “Excuse me, but you took my umbrella.”
This is how you know that roley-poley delinquent in training is used to stealing things; he just said “Oh” and gave it back to her. His parents acted like nothing was happening, and didn’t even try to scold or discipline the boy. Then again, I was giving them a menacing glare at close distance so maybe that had something to do with it. I was hoping the Mom or Dad would try to defend the kid so I could call them horrible parents in public and thank them for this sneak preview of the future felon who might someday steal my car.
I guess it was a good thing that I didn’t get to the family first.
LC says that I can no longer call her petty now that I menaced a middle schooler over a $12 umbrella. I say, that was tough love. Maybe if the kid knew there were embarrassing consequences for stealing things, he’d think twice about it. I could have given him a scared straight speech which may have saved his life, like “You know what they do to little boys like you in jail? THEY MAKE LITTLE GIRLS OUT OF THEM! Stop stealing, or you’ll end up locked up in the booty house.”
Alas, no such speech was given. To all of you who plan on visiting the zoo this summer, guard your valuables. For all I know, this could have been part of an organized effort. Parents could be walking around with kids trained to steal, looking for unsuspecting victims. What’s worse, that “child” could have been a chubby little 30 year old dwarf named Pepe. Who knows how many layers there are to this onion of treachery? From now on, be careful at the zoo!Tweet