Stop Eating People!

Stop eating people!

The fact that this even has to be said is insane

There have been two different cannibal stories in the news in less than a week. That’s a new level of “crazy.” I need folks to stop eating people. ASAP!

At least the fool in Florida can blame it on drugs. That said, the drug he took was called bath salts. It’s kind of scary to think that something that sounds like you could find it on sale at Yankee Candle could prompt a man to eat another man’s face off.

I read one blog comment somewhere that said the police should not have shot this man dead. I’m sorry, but I have to take the police’s side on this one. To find a man butt-naked eating another man’s face, to me, is a more than justifiable reason to use deadly force. I know if I were one of the cops I wouldn’t have gotten close to that guy until he was dead. Not just dead, but bullet-in-the-head dead. I watch enough episodes of The Walking Dead to know that you have to take a zombie out at skull-level or else he may bite you and make you one of them. I know that guy wasn’t an actual reanimated corpse, but when a fool is eating faces, I wouldn’t take ANY chances.

Then there’s the guy from Morgan State University. This fellow killed his roommate then proceeded to eat the man’s heart & part of his brain. It takes a special kind of psycho to murder someone then think “This dead guy looks DELICIOUS! A little Old Bay & he’s ready for the Foreman Grill!”

I hope they throw the ENTIRE book at this man. He’ll be alright in jail. Even the hardest of stone-face killers would be like “GAWD-DAMN!” when they hear what he’s in there for.

I would hate for this cannibal stuff to become a trend. Just in case, I’m stocking up on weapons and practicing my zombie kill-strikes in preparation for the first person with crazy-eyes to come within three feet of me. Then again, “Your Honor, I had to kill him; He looked like a people-eater” may not be a sound legal defense. Let me rethink this strategy & get back to you all…

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11 Responses to “Stop Eating People!”

  1. Andi 01. Jun, 2012 at 8:43 am #

    I personally believe a shot to the face is appropriate when coming upon someone crunch and munching someone else’s face. Zombie Apocolypse is upon us… I don’t know what is so dern tatalizing about eating human flesh, half of us don’t wash on the inside or outside enough to warrant a taste. Not even Lowry’s and grandma’s cooking can fix the fact that this is people meat.

  2. ListenToTig 01. Jun, 2012 at 11:07 am #

    @Leon – You think he cooked the heart and brain before he commenced to eating? In mind he jsut ate it raw…and wiped the blood from the corner of his mouth with a napkin. There is a special place in Hell for anyone that kills and eats another person when it’s not a life or death situation. You also forget to mention the mom who killed her baby and the munched on the baby’s brains

    • ListenToLeon 01. Jun, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

      To be honest, I didn’t put that much thought into it. I just figured an Old Bay and a Foreman Grill reference would make it funnier. I thought about saying “Lawrys” instead, but Old Bay sounded a little more universal.

      That’s horrible about the mom killing her baby.

      • Andi 01. Jun, 2012 at 2:06 pm #

        Nooo! I didn’t even know about that one. SMH really? :( There is a super d duper special place in hell for someone that kills an innocent baby and eats it. Even if it is dire circumstances. Eat your husband or boo thang first.

    • Andi 01. Jun, 2012 at 2:08 pm #

      I hope he cooked it. If not, I hope he gets Salmonella and E coli.

  3. Cat 01. Jun, 2012 at 3:37 pm #

    I would like to think this could all be blamed on the zombie making bath salt drug but if not, then I am very concerned. I wonder if there has been an overall rise on people eating other people. And I’m not talking stranded on an island, desperate kind of thing (not that that is acceptable) but the whole, hmm I’m tired of eating McDonalds let’s see what other dishes there are to try. Seriously this concerns me. I don’t know what my breaking point is to start preparing for the “zombie war” but in Night of the Living Dead it got real in one night but then there was 28 Days Later. I’ve heard about five stories this week alone. So I think by end of June if that number increases I’m going underground.

  4. Tupacolypse 03. Jun, 2012 at 9:33 am #

    I’m wondering why they have to kill people when there are perfectly seasoned and sauteed scrotums being sold for a reasonable price without harm?

  5. curlyq 04. Jun, 2012 at 6:01 pm #

    dont forget to also read the classic The Zombie Survival Guide lol

  6. DanielleJ 05. Jun, 2012 at 3:59 pm #

    Well, on the flip side, there is a dude who cut off his man parts and cooked them up for people to eat. I believe he was in China or Japan. He said that he is asexual and wanted to identify as such, so he cut off his man parts, chopped them up, and served them to 6 people. Mmmm yummy.

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