Lotion Lessons


I borrowed lotion from someone yesterday. Six hours after application, I realized that there were tiny glitter sparkles in the stuff. I walked around town oblivious and shimmering for the bulk of the day. All I wanted to do was avoid being ashy, but I went from ashy to flashy in a very non-masculine way as a result.

Oh yeah. Light skinned people get ashy too. You have to look a little harder to see it, but trust me, it’s happens.

There should be a warning from friends and loved ones to let you know what you’re getting into when you use their lotion. Anyone who truly cares would have told me in these exact words: “Just so you know, this stuff will make you both look and feel dainty, delicate and fragile. At the same damn time.”

Having glitter in random places like this reminds me of some of my past strip club trips. Stripper glitter is one the hardest substances to remove from one’s body. You could take three showers and still discover places where that stuff is still attached to you, all from one five minute lap dance. I think stripper glitter is made that way on purpose. It is a way of branding you after you’ve acted up, just in case you are married or something.

You can’t even do normal things with stripper glitter on you. For instance, try going to church the next day after leaving a gentleman’s establishment. Everyone in there knows where that gleam on your neck and forearms came from. They may lie and claim that they know it from their backsliding days, but they all know it. What’s worse is that the reverend will call you out in front of the whole congregation like “Brother Leon, I see you shining! Look at you; You can’t even tithe properly. You done gave all your money to some chick named Euphoria with a fake butt. You know you’re supposed to be tipping the Lord first and foremost!”

Basically, the moral of this story is to ask questions before putting on someone else’s lotion, even if you are already ashy in public. I guess you can say that the other moral is to avoid stripper glitter at all costs, but that one is no fun, therefore I am not going to tell you to do it. Just be aware that you will be haunted by the ghost of lap dance past for at least a day or two in the form of random glitter sparkles on your person should you engage in such activity.

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15 Responses to “Lotion Lessons”

  1. Andi 14. Aug, 2012 at 7:39 am #

    LOL…what the…? Ok so you didn’t notice the subtle sheen often associated with such products before you slathered that on? I’m mad your negligence became a life lesson on the damning properties of strawberry body glitter. smh ;)

    When in doubt always ask if someone has some baby lotion or Vaseline. You’re lucky you didn’t get a sunless tanning joint. You’d look like a little dirtball. I mistakenly bought some once and ended up looking dirty in patches, trying to figure out how I was suddenly dark in the creases of my arms, in swatches along my legs, and the backs of my hands.It taught me a valuable lesson about rubbing lotion in evenly instead of being lazy…Glad I didn’t use it on my face…shudders.

    • ListenToLeon 14. Aug, 2012 at 11:54 am #

      I knew it smelled girly, but it was subtle so I did not care. Not being ashy took precedence at that moment. Glad I didn’t learn your sunless tanning lesson!

  2. Babee 14. Aug, 2012 at 10:17 am #

    *flashes back on that wonderous day at The Legend* LMAO

    Okay…sooooooo normally, when some lotions are glittery…they also smell a little girly. Was that not an indication?

    And you know better than to stay the night….and if you do stay…you need your player pack at all times i.e. Extra drawers, deodorant, tooth brush, LOTION, soap/body wash, lip balm, condom for early morning gettins and a coupon for Starbucks!

    You’re slippin hun…you’re slippin!

    • ListenToLeon 14. Aug, 2012 at 11:53 am #

      I see you have your booty bag preparations down to a science!

  3. TyTurner 14. Aug, 2012 at 12:16 pm #

    How many man laws were broken as a result of your actions? I work with a lot of women and I need some lotion from time to time but I always smell and test it first. You gotta smell and test bruh . . . smell and test. HA!

    • ListenToLeon 15. Aug, 2012 at 9:39 am #

      I know this now. No matter how ashy I am, I can’t take these kinds of chances anymore!

  4. DB 14. Aug, 2012 at 12:31 pm #

    After seeing the title of this post, I am just glad it did not go in the direction I thought it was going.

    • ListenToLeon 15. Aug, 2012 at 9:40 am #

      I thought about that after I posted this title. It could have gone an entirely different direction.

  5. Wonderlove 14. Aug, 2012 at 2:19 pm #

    I love Mariah Carey’s ‘Glitter’ soundtrack…the movie, not so much.

    • ListenToLeon 15. Aug, 2012 at 9:42 am #

      I watched the movie on cable once, and the one thing I said was “The music isn’t bad. Don’t ask me what this film is about because I tuned out everything else 20 minutes ago, but the songs are alright.”

  6. Wooooowwwww . . . 15. Aug, 2012 at 10:27 am #

    You should have re-enacted a scene from the movie Twilight. Some tween would have lost her mind thinking she’d found the first black, sparkling vampire. Speaking of which, why was the only black vampire in that darn series Will-I-Am’s second cousin three times removed on his mama’s side?

    • ListenToLeon 15. Aug, 2012 at 12:08 pm #

      I had no idea that the Twilight vampires sparkled!!! That in itself is hilarious!

  7. curlyq 15. Aug, 2012 at 11:50 am #

    LMAO @ wooww’s suggestion of a Twilight reenactment.

  8. Stephen Kee 17. Aug, 2012 at 4:11 pm #

    LOL. This is a funny post. Glitter lotion!!! You didn’t go workout at the gym later did you?

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