Proper Backside Hygeine

I believe the late, great Redd Foxx said it best:

Yes, indeed. You gotta wash your ass. No question about it. The cleanliness of your backside must never be neglected. It’s astonishing how much stench a hole the size of a quarter(or maybe a silver dollar, depending on your “activities”) can produce when hygeine is neglected. Want to piss off an entire room full of people? Go somewhere crowded with a stankin’ ass.

Everybody can remember being in a public place at least once in their lives with a stank-ass in attendance. Butt-stench and the ones responsible for it are never forgotten. It could be 10 years later…Someone might say “Hey, do you remember Walter from the gospel choir?”

Chances are, you’ll respond by saying “You mean the guy who smelled like stale butt crack? Yeah I remember him. I wonder if he still stinks.”

Now that we’ve established that nobody likes people with mud butt, I have to let you know why the topic was raised. A few days ago, I was a part of a heated discussion regarding proper ass-wiping technique. I am a toilet paper enthusiast. Call me old-fashioned. I ran up against some baby wipe people, who tried to knock any and everybody who does not break out a package of wet wipes every time they finish doing #2.

Now don’t get me wrong, if it’s an emergency, and that’s all that’s in the bathroom, then I’ll use it rather than walk around with a stankin ass. But if I just wipe my ass the proper way with toilet paper, it won’t stink, and I don’t have to walk around with a moist, chemically treated backside.

People who claim they use wipes to avoid smelling and dingleberrys are suffering from poor butt-wiping form due to various circumstances. Below, I’ll point out these reasons.

Reasons Why Some People Struggle With Toilet Paper

1. YOU USE THE WRONG TOILET PAPER – Cheap or extra-fluffy toilet paper contributes to improper wiping and possible side effects(butt-chafing, dingleberries, etc.)

2. YOUR ASS IS TOO BIG – Maybe the reason toilet paper fails you is because you can’t reach around your big ass to wipe all of the nooks and crannies effectively. If that is the case, you may want to invest in one of those butt-washing fountains that people in France use.

3. YOUR ASS IS TOO HAIRY – Hairy booty = difficulty wiping. I’m not going to tell you to shave or trim your butt hair, because that would be wrong and very un-masculine…but if YOU know that YOU can’t clean yourself properly because your private parts look like Teen Wolf, you might want to take care of it somehow, and take that secret to the grave with you.

4. YOU HAVE HEMROIDS – From what I understand, that condition is very painful. So if you have it, by all means, use all the baby wipes you want. Don’t let your butthole flare up just for the sake of masculinity.

5. YOU’RE GAY, AND YOU WANT YOUR BUTT TO SMELL MORNING FRESH – If that’s the case, then that’s your business. Just don’t get angry if I make a joke or two about your rooty-tooty, fresh and fruity hygeine habits. I still respect you as a person, but my sense of humor is juvenile so I’m going to clown you a little.

There you have it. The best way to avoid that is to take care of the Three “S”s first thing in the morning before you leave the house. That’s Sh*t, Shower and Shave, in that order. That way, you’re guaranteed to leave the house with a clean butt. If you do have to go sometime later in the day, and you don’t think dry toilet paper is going to get it all, wet the toilet paper a little with some water from the sink. Then you can go back and wipe it some more with a dry piece of toilet paper to avoid walking around with moist booty. I would go further in depth outlining technique, but if you can actually read this paragraph, and you have not yet learned how to wipe your ass, then something is SERIOUSLY wrong.

I’d like to know what your idea of proper backside hygeine is. Also, let me know if this entry has enlightened you. If I’ve persuaded at least one person to wash their ass, then I’ve made the world a better place!

Post Author

This post was written by who has written 1743 posts on Yeah…I said it.

Comedian, writer and Patron Saint of High Yellow.

29 Responses to “Proper Backside Hygeine”

  1. mr poteat 14. Mar, 2007 at 1:05 pm #

    sigh….i made the mistake of reading this post while eating tuna fish….mudbutt..quarter sized stank holes…im done, lol

  2. Hostess 14. Mar, 2007 at 1:20 pm #

    You know, I probably could get you work as a motivational speaker for preschoolers. they’re really just mastering butt wipig so I think your tips would prove quite useful for them.

  3. E. Dizzle 14. Mar, 2007 at 1:25 pm #

    I feel you, all you really need to do is wipe properly and completely, none of that pat-pat-pat shit. That ain’t gonna cut it. Oh and for the ladies, no pulling from back to front, all you’re doing then is smearing shit all over your cock—tail. And that will just create an all new and more disgusting funk. YLACK!!!

  4. Misha 14. Mar, 2007 at 1:30 pm #

    You know, you should get a female to help you exlpain proper coochie washing tecniques as well, but thats another post for another day

  5. Hustleman 14. Mar, 2007 at 1:31 pm #

    @ Mr. Poteat, my bad lol

    @ Hostess, those are good values to instill in their minds at an early age!

    @ E-Dizzle, I just lost my appetite!

  6. Peach 14. Mar, 2007 at 1:44 pm #

    Okay you forgot to mention just HOW MUCH toilet paper people really need. I had a roomate who clogged our toilet. I found out it was because she wipes, tosses, gets more paper, and repeats that cycle two more times.

    and why is it every man in my family cannot take a shyt without flooding the toilet. is it something in y’all’s DNA that causes this to happen?

  7. brwn_eyes_brwngirl 14. Mar, 2007 at 5:29 pm #

    LMAO…um,…I also think a problem could be that some people are afraid to use over a certain number of sheets per ass wipe…if they did like women and use as much as they can wrap around their hand three times…they should be okay….

    I usually wipe, toss..then wipe again…toss…then wipe again…lol…and the last wipe (I repeat) should never ever have anything on it…if it does..repeat the first two steps. :D

  8. brwn_eyes_brwngirl 14. Mar, 2007 at 5:34 pm #

    after reading Peach’s comments… the wipe and toss isn’t a bad ideal…you just have to wipe toss and flush…(flushing is the key)…

    but if you’re a nice and a thoughtful person you should have already done a courtsey flush to get that stankin ass smell out the bathroom..but that is another story…

  9. Leoninatl 14. Mar, 2007 at 9:52 pm #

    I use toilet paper with pride…Baby wipes clog up the damn toilet. If you’re close enough to a sink, run a little water on the tissue.

    This post gave me unpleasant memories of hot ass summers and being downwind from a jackass who doesn’t know the meaning of a proper ass wiping. I’m trying to repress that shit! Damn you Leon.

  10. Anonymous 14. Mar, 2007 at 11:24 pm #

    Ok, the Kleenex-Cottonelle folks aren’t givin’ me a cut or anything, but….

    They make a FLUSHABLE, moist wipe for ADULTS for those times when you need, um, a little less traction but a lot more action, shall we say? The difference between these and baby wipes (other than flushability) is that they’re not wet/drippy like baby wipes, so you’re not walking out with a moist, squishy feeling between your butt cheeks. They come in a discreet box that you can put on the counter nearby. Because in my experience, whenever you wet toilet tissue, it disentegrates, thereby increasing the likelihood that you’ll very soon just be wiping with your hand. Come up on the Cottonelles, baby.

    A. Love

  11. Anonymous 15. Mar, 2007 at 10:21 am #

    Cosigns with Misha…yeah, handle that one, Hustleman!

    LMAO@ e. dizzle…I’m so glad that this site has been created because it’s so great that there are like-minded people in this world…LOL

  12. Anonymous 15. Mar, 2007 at 10:21 am #

    Cosigns with Misha…yeah, handle that one, Hustleman!

    LMAO@ e. dizzle…I’m so glad that this site has been created because it’s so great that there are like-minded people in this world…LOL


  13. Anonymous 15. Mar, 2007 at 1:02 pm #

    Time of death 12:53pm

    Usually I’m just lurker, but that was some funny isht! I ALWAYS dampen (dampening vs. drenching being hte key here) my toilet tissue before each use (#1 or #2, maybe I just have sensitve skin, but all tissue just feels like soft paper (which it is)) and the dampened effect gets off all remains. .dingleberries and pee drips. . I mean you wouldn’t wash with a dry cloth would you?? Why wait until shower-time to get that extra clean feeling. Ladies, I find baby wipes nice during that time of the month as well. . .esp if you are a diaper user ;p

  14. Gemini Girl aka GG 15. Mar, 2007 at 1:40 pm #

    great tips I hope more men take head…size of a quarter?? wow I don’t think mine is the size of a tiny bead..but that’s TMI!

  15. Bob Wire 15. Mar, 2007 at 3:13 pm #

    About time somebody shined some light on this problem, Leon. I mean, we all gotta breathe the same air, right?
    One problem I run into is when it gets hot out in the summer my butt crack makes its own gravy. That’s when you have to take a few swipes just for, well, street-sweeping purposes.
    Keep the valuable life-lessons coming, bro.

  16. P 15. Mar, 2007 at 7:30 pm #

    lmao @ THE PAT, PAT. . .

    Leon, you’re great. . .

    Personally, I also keep moist ones in the bathroom, so that people can make sure they don’t have that ‘not so fresh feeling’.

  17. BayBB 15. Mar, 2007 at 9:31 pm #

    Yeah I’m one of those toilet clogging people Peach was talking about. I can’t help it, I just keep wiping until there are no streaks left, if I have to use half the roll to do so then so be it! I have clogged many a toilet that way. I finally started flushing before headin for the roll again.

    Maybe next you can teach people how to brush their teeth! I can’t stand stank breathed or juicy mouthed people that want to talk to you up close and personal.

  18. The Common Share 15. Mar, 2007 at 11:42 pm #

    The Common Share asks that you pass on these ass wiping, toilet paper handling and flushing techniques to anyone in line for our bathrooms. We are tired of cleaning up unmentionable nastiness at the end of the night. In addition, do men ever wash their damn hands after they use the toilet. We have had the same soap dispenser in our men’s room since we opened three years ago and we still have not run out of soap. Cheers Ladies.

  19. Ms. Lee 16. Mar, 2007 at 1:41 am #

    Leon, I don’t know you. But I hate you for this!!! Hissssssss! LOL.

    Hostess says preschoolers need you, but um, judging from some of the smells I’ve suffered through, this fo’ the grown folks too!

    In fact, I’m printing to post in the bathroom stall at work…

  20. Anonymous 17. Mar, 2007 at 2:24 am #

    @ Gemini Girl aka GG…
    “The size of a tiny bead”?…I bet your shit is like spaghetti.

  21. Candace 19. Mar, 2007 at 8:17 pm #

    Oh my goodnes…lOL!
    I personally like toilet paper better. I can see why people use wet wipes, but I just don’t for but to feel all soggy, and stuff.

  22. Angie 20. Mar, 2007 at 11:19 am #

    Personally, I like both. I like to get a good, solid wipe or two in with a soft, 2-ply tissue; then follow it up with a nice, moist wet wipe to ensure things are clean and fresh. On a good day I have both in my arsenal, but mainly I try to time myself so that I get a good morning expression of poo before I shower each day. Good subject. Folks need to know their options.

  23. 1969 20. Mar, 2007 at 1:33 pm #

    I can always count on Leon for the most useful information.

    I need to send this to a few co-workers. Thanks Hustleman.

  24. Miss Krys 20. Mar, 2007 at 9:20 pm #

    THANK YOU for letting the world know that CHEAP toilet paper just doesn’t cut it.

    I’ve successfully converted everyone in my family over to Cottonelle Ultra [in the purple pack].

    I still think wet wipes are necessary though. I mean, if babies need them and all they eat is mushed green beans… grown folks damn sure need them.

  25. Economista 27. Mar, 2007 at 9:44 pm #

    Hilarious! and I agree that people need to post this up in the bathroom. Also add to the list…flush the damn toilet. I work in a professional office building and still have to suffer through the stench of someone leaving shit in one of the stalls because the automatic flush didn’t kick in. There’s a button, people! Put some paper on your hand and push it!

  26. teetee 21. Jun, 2008 at 8:35 am #

    alot of black men and black spanish boys butts stank that is the damn truth.

  27. teetee 21. Jun, 2008 at 8:36 am #

    boys love to fart and black and spanish boys cracks be stankin

  28. Razor Brands 12. May, 2011 at 7:43 pm #

    It’s amazing to see so many people not take care of themselves. When taking city transit, I feel like I’ve stepped back in time and surrounded by animals that smelt better than the people.

  29. anonymous 13. Sep, 2012 at 6:23 am #

    I use the adult wipes. Its nice to feel clean..and the squishy wet feeling goes away if u wipe with some tp to DRY it after u use the moist wipes. Duhhhh.

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