I believe the late, great Redd Foxx said it best:
Yes, indeed. You gotta wash your ass. No question about it. The cleanliness of your backside must never be neglected. It’s astonishing how much stench a hole the size of a quarter(or maybe a silver dollar, depending on your “activities”) can produce when hygeine is neglected. Want to piss off an entire room full of people? Go somewhere crowded with a stankin’ ass.
Everybody can remember being in a public place at least once in their lives with a stank-ass in attendance. Butt-stench and the ones responsible for it are never forgotten. It could be 10 years later…Someone might say “Hey, do you remember Walter from the gospel choir?”
Chances are, you’ll respond by saying “You mean the guy who smelled like stale butt crack? Yeah I remember him. I wonder if he still stinks.”
Now that we’ve established that nobody likes people with mud butt, I have to let you know why the topic was raised. A few days ago, I was a part of a heated discussion regarding proper ass-wiping technique. I am a toilet paper enthusiast. Call me old-fashioned. I ran up against some baby wipe people, who tried to knock any and everybody who does not break out a package of wet wipes every time they finish doing #2.
Now don’t get me wrong, if it’s an emergency, and that’s all that’s in the bathroom, then I’ll use it rather than walk around with a stankin ass. But if I just wipe my ass the proper way with toilet paper, it won’t stink, and I don’t have to walk around with a moist, chemically treated backside.
People who claim they use wipes to avoid smelling and dingleberrys are suffering from poor butt-wiping form due to various circumstances. Below, I’ll point out these reasons.
Reasons Why Some People Struggle With Toilet Paper
1. YOU USE THE WRONG TOILET PAPER – Cheap or extra-fluffy toilet paper contributes to improper wiping and possible side effects(butt-chafing, dingleberries, etc.)
2. YOUR ASS IS TOO BIG – Maybe the reason toilet paper fails you is because you can’t reach around your big ass to wipe all of the nooks and crannies effectively. If that is the case, you may want to invest in one of those butt-washing fountains that people in France use.
3. YOUR ASS IS TOO HAIRY – Hairy booty = difficulty wiping. I’m not going to tell you to shave or trim your butt hair, because that would be wrong and very un-masculine…but if YOU know that YOU can’t clean yourself properly because your private parts look like Teen Wolf, you might want to take care of it somehow, and take that secret to the grave with you.
4. YOU HAVE HEMROIDS – From what I understand, that condition is very painful. So if you have it, by all means, use all the baby wipes you want. Don’t let your butthole flare up just for the sake of masculinity.
5. YOU’RE GAY, AND YOU WANT YOUR BUTT TO SMELL MORNING FRESH – If that’s the case, then that’s your business. Just don’t get angry if I make a joke or two about your rooty-tooty, fresh and fruity hygeine habits. I still respect you as a person, but my sense of humor is juvenile so I’m going to clown you a little.
There you have it. The best way to avoid that is to take care of the Three “S”s first thing in the morning before you leave the house. That’s Sh*t, Shower and Shave, in that order. That way, you’re guaranteed to leave the house with a clean butt. If you do have to go sometime later in the day, and you don’t think dry toilet paper is going to get it all, wet the toilet paper a little with some water from the sink. Then you can go back and wipe it some more with a dry piece of toilet paper to avoid walking around with moist booty. I would go further in depth outlining technique, but if you can actually read this paragraph, and you have not yet learned how to wipe your ass, then something is SERIOUSLY wrong.
I’d like to know what your idea of proper backside hygeine is. Also, let me know if this entry has enlightened you. If I’ve persuaded at least one person to wash their ass, then I’ve made the world a better place!Tweet