Damn You Uncle Ben

It’s 4 in the morning, and I just got through cooking a late-night recovery/sleep like a newborn baby meal here at home. While I was preparing this culinary delight the would make G. Garvin from TV One proud, I decided that I must write about something that’s bothered me for a long time: Why does my favorite “heat this up in 90 seconds and you’re good” rice have to have a damned indentured servant on it in the year 2008?

I know that it’s bad that I buy rice with a fake-ass Benson looking slave on the cover. What’s worse is, Uncle Ben actually looks like he could be one of my uncles! They really chose a generic looking old black man, because he could have been a relative of mine. He’d have a country nickname, like Uncle T-Bird, or Uncle Leftfoot, but still. He could slide in the family reunion and get a least three plates before someone asked “Who is the old guy in the blue tuxedo cooking rice over an open flame?

I hope this made at least one of you laugh out there. If not, I don’t really care. Uncle Ben, along with some leftover chicken, has assured me of a full stomach and a good night’s sleep. I’ll consider boycotting them tomorrow or something, once I’m well-rested. Until then, thanks for helping to fill me up with your slave mascot rice.

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10 Responses to “Damn You Uncle Ben”

  1. kdesirae 28. Sep, 2008 at 8:50 pm #

    LMAO! That was hilarious! “slave mascot rice”. Dead.

  2. Bay2LA 28. Sep, 2008 at 9:39 pm #

    I’m glad that I decided to stop reading your posts at work because I definitely would have laughed out loud @ “fake-ass Benson looking slave.” I’ve wondered for years why no one ever protested the Uncle Ben’s cover…oh well, glad you got your eat on at 4 in the morning!

  3. tracey in Ohio 01. Oct, 2008 at 8:57 am #

    LOL! The “Who is the old guy in the blue tuxedo cooking rice over an open flame?” got me! They could update the guy – after all, they updated Aunt Jemimah – why not Uncle LeftFoot? I mean Uncle Ben. :-D Hilarious.

  4. kayellejaye 01. Oct, 2008 at 9:36 am #

    You got issues. LOL.

  5. anonymousnupe 01. Oct, 2008 at 11:19 am #

    Man, that’s the funniest thing you ever spewed. I was actually sitting here visualizing my Aunts Betty, Bert and Blondie pointing to an avuncular dude in a blue tux and bow tie bent over a pot by the old oak tree testing the texture of a pot of simmering rice. And then they all shrugged their shoulders simultaneously as Aunt Blondie submitted, “Well, praise the Lawd for him, whoever he is; his rice is the best we ever had at family reunion!”

  6. The Killa Cal 02. Oct, 2008 at 12:07 am #

    Man, my enduring Uncle Ben related moment is when Tony Soprano had one of his panic attacks after seeing a box of Uncle Ben’s while getting some “gabbagool” from the fridge after being a racist to Meadow’s Black/Jew friend from school….

    Uncle Ben made me proud in that moment!

  7. Metro Man 03. Oct, 2008 at 9:16 am #

    Dis bee da bess rice massa!

    *tap dances*

  8. Blackgirlthinking 03. Oct, 2008 at 12:19 pm #

    lol. I never thought about it like that, but then look at the caption underneath the picture. Can’t you just imagine Uncle Ben as a slave saying “Puhfect Evry Time Massa”

    lol See now I want some Uncle Ben’s..it is hella good!

  9. Judith Coyle 18. Dec, 2009 at 7:08 pm #

    Loved this!

  10. Melissa 26. Dec, 2011 at 4:52 pm #

    The guy in the picture was a Chicago maitre d’ and close friend of the guys who borrowed the real Ben’s quality rice-making reputation and mass-produced converted rice that people would actually buy in the Houston area, the place where the real Uncle Ben was a well-respected farmer.

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