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Damn You Uncle Ben | Yeah...I said it

Damn You Uncle Ben

It’s 4 in the morning, and I just got through cooking a late-night recovery/sleep like a newborn baby meal here at home. While I was preparing this culinary delight the would make G. Garvin from TV One proud, I decided that I must write about something that’s bothered me for a long time: Why does my favorite “heat this up in 90 seconds and you’re good” rice have to have a damned indentured servant on it in the year 2008?

I know that it’s bad that I buy rice with a fake-ass Benson looking slave on the cover. What’s worse is, Uncle Ben actually looks like he could be one of my uncles! They really chose a generic looking old black man, because he could have been a relative of mine. He’d have a country nickname, like Uncle T-Bird, or Uncle Leftfoot, but still. He could slide in the family reunion and get a least three plates before someone asked “Who is the old guy in the blue tuxedo cooking rice over an open flame?

I hope this made at least one of you laugh out there. If not, I don’t really care. Uncle Ben, along with some leftover chicken, has assured me of a full stomach and a good night’s sleep. I’ll consider boycotting them tomorrow or something, once I’m well-rested. Until then, thanks for helping to fill me up with your slave mascot rice.

  • Brain Freeze (1.000)
  • Drunk Food (1.000)
  • Egg Nog (1.000)
  • Hairmegeddon (1.000)
  • Red Baron Pizza (0.500)
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    This post was written by who has written 1736 posts on Yeah…I said it.

    Comedian, writer and shake dancer on the Chippendale's Senior Circuit.

    10 Responses to “Damn You Uncle Ben”

    1. kdesirae 28. Sep, 2008 at 8:50 pm #

      LMAO! That was hilarious! “slave mascot rice”. Dead.

    2. Bay2LA 28. Sep, 2008 at 9:39 pm #

      I’m glad that I decided to stop reading your posts at work because I definitely would have laughed out loud @ “fake-ass Benson looking slave.” I’ve wondered for years why no one ever protested the Uncle Ben’s cover…oh well, glad you got your eat on at 4 in the morning!

    3. tracey in Ohio 01. Oct, 2008 at 8:57 am #

      LOL! The “Who is the old guy in the blue tuxedo cooking rice over an open flame?” got me! They could update the guy – after all, they updated Aunt Jemimah – why not Uncle LeftFoot? I mean Uncle Ben. :-D Hilarious.

    4. kayellejaye 01. Oct, 2008 at 9:36 am #

      You got issues. LOL.

    5. anonymousnupe 01. Oct, 2008 at 11:19 am #

      Man, that’s the funniest thing you ever spewed. I was actually sitting here visualizing my Aunts Betty, Bert and Blondie pointing to an avuncular dude in a blue tux and bow tie bent over a pot by the old oak tree testing the texture of a pot of simmering rice. And then they all shrugged their shoulders simultaneously as Aunt Blondie submitted, “Well, praise the Lawd for him, whoever he is; his rice is the best we ever had at family reunion!”

    6. The Killa Cal 02. Oct, 2008 at 12:07 am #

      Man, my enduring Uncle Ben related moment is when Tony Soprano had one of his panic attacks after seeing a box of Uncle Ben’s while getting some “gabbagool” from the fridge after being a racist to Meadow’s Black/Jew friend from school….

      Uncle Ben made me proud in that moment!

    7. Metro Man 03. Oct, 2008 at 9:16 am #

      Dis bee da bess rice massa!

      *tap dances*

    8. Blackgirlthinking 03. Oct, 2008 at 12:19 pm #

      lol. I never thought about it like that, but then look at the caption underneath the picture. Can’t you just imagine Uncle Ben as a slave saying “Puhfect Evry Time Massa”

      lol See now I want some Uncle Ben’s..it is hella good!

    9. Judith Coyle 18. Dec, 2009 at 7:08 pm #

      Loved this!

    10. Melissa 26. Dec, 2011 at 4:52 pm #

      The guy in the picture was a Chicago maitre d’ and close friend of the guys who borrowed the real Ben’s quality rice-making reputation and mass-produced converted rice that people would actually buy in the Houston area, the place where the real Uncle Ben was a well-respected farmer.

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