You all asked for it, now you got it! Since people seem to be struggling as far as the rules of engagement when it comes to flirting and technology, I am here to once again do my good deed for humanity and break down the rules for safe and effective smartphone flirting for all of man and womankind. Step into my office, and let’s rap a taste…
The Rules of Smartphone Flirting, or “Sexting”:
1.) Choosing your sexting partner needs to be considered as much as your choice of who your having sex with in the first place. In both cases, don’t do it with someone you don’t trust or you’re not comfortable with. For some reason, people can’t seem to follow this advice when it comes to sharing the bodies they were born with. Now that technology makes it easier to get your explicitly freaky point across, no one should be suprised that this convenience is being abused in the same manner.
2.) If you’re doing something illegal(or cheating on someone), don’t text about it, take pictures, or make videos. A paper trail is a paper trail. A digital trail is especially damning, because it’s not going anywhere and can easily be thrown in your face or used in court. Ask Kwame Kilpatrick.
3.) If your room is dirty, please don’t take “sexy” pictures there. People do look at the details in the background of a photo, so if your place looks like a sh*thole, you will end up being clowned. All of the T&A in the world can’t save you. Also, pay attention to little details of your photos, like handprints from guys smacking you on the ass at “professional” shoots.
4.) Drunk texting is just as bad as drunk dialing, except instead of playing back the embarassing voice mails for her friends to laugh at, she’ll just show them the stuff you typed while at the bar or on the way home from that party. Ask Pat O’Brien.
5.) Use the honor code. If you’re lucky enough to be dealing with someone who is into making “independent films” with you, don’t show them to outside parties. this is just a simple matter of common decency. I know a lot of folks are treacherous, self-serving jackasses, but I do believe that things come back to you when you knowingly do people dirty.
6.) Be careful where you keep your homemade smut. A friend of mine who works in IT was telling me about a co-worker who had all kinds of home-grown freaky sex videos on his flash drive, and he’d plug it into his work computer where the IT department could see it. She claims that she had to review what content he had on there, then said that she could never look at her fat, greasy co-worker the same way ever again. She doesn’t really have to worry about seeing him anytime soon though, because he got fired on top of everything else.
7.) LOCK YOUR PHONE WHEN IT’S NOT IN USE!!! Not only does that keep people out of your business, it prevents ass dialing, which happens when you put your phone in your pocket and accidentally text message or call the same people 15 times in a row. I’m a reformed ass-dialer, so I’m going to use this sentence to publicly apologize to the last two recipients of such annoying text messages: Ralph the Karaoke King from Madams Organ, and W. Ellington Felton.
8.) Get permission before making a sex tape or taking naked photos of someone. Jail is not a good look this time of year…Or any other time of year, for that matter.
9.) Don’t be creepy. If you’re not already having sex with this person, there is no reason to send illicit-themed messages with sexual overtones and/or nude pictures. Especially if you’re a guy. Women might be able to get away with a little more in this department. Most guys, even if they’re not attracted to a woman, aren’t going to call the police if she sends him an unwanted photo of her breasts. Usually, the sender will just become the object of ridicule. However, if a guy sends an unwanted d*ck pic to some unsuspecting woman, it’s a quick way to end up in a police car and on the evening news.
10.) Pay attention to whom you are sexting. Imagine accidentally sending a picture of your penis to your mother, or receiving a picture of your daughter going down on some guy. Very unsettling, right? Remember that feeling the next time you are about to press “send” after finishing up an explicit text or e-mail.
There you have it. Once again, I am helping to save the people of the free world from making asses of themselves. I do believe a Nobel Prize nomination for service to humanity is in order, so pass this along to the nominating committee for me please.
Thanks in advance!