Andy Warhol was right: “In the future everybody will be world famous for fifteen minutes.” When Andy said this, it leads me to believe that his spectacles allowed him to look into the future. The very moment before he made his quote, I believe he fixed his gaze upon little Falcon Heene, the balloon boy. This kid and his family managed to capture the eyes of the world, in what amounts to quite possibly the dumbest publicity stunt ever.
I totally blame the storm-chasing, wife-swapping parents for everything. It all started when they named the boy “Falcon.” Falcon sounds like an ex-con name, and that’s coming from a guy named “Leon.” They should have known he’d be up to something. When he’s old enough to steal and kill, he won’t even need a nickname if he decides to join a biker gang.
This family had the world thinking Falcon was floating through the sky in his dad’s giant jiffy pop balloon, when the entire time he was hiding in the attic. It was the biggest waste of news time since O.J. Simpson’s low-speed police chase in the white Bronco. The only way this story would have been truly newsworthy is if Falcon actually were in the balloon, then jumped out the side and started flying like Superman. Now THAT would have been newsworthy! Newsworthy and badass, at the same time.
Alas, all we have now, is Falcon Heene going all over TV, making the whole thing look like a stunt dreamed up by the parents. So now, this family will be the butt of jokes from now until the end of…ever! I just hope grown-up Falcon the skinhead meth dealer doesn’t try to shoot me in a few years for writing this!