‘Tis the season! That most Seinfeldian, non-commercialized of holidays is upon us. Yep, that’s right. Festivus is here! In the tradition of Frank Costanza, I began my celebration on Twitter this morning with the Airing of the Grievances. For those unfamiliar with Festivus, the Airing of the Grievances is when you tell people how they’ve disappointed you in the past year. As regular readers of this site already know, that’s right up my alley! Below, I have placed a few of my Grievance tweets, in chronological order:
In the case of the “Women who don’t give head” tweet, that link went to an old entry I wrote on King Magazine’s site. As you can see, I have sufficiently let mankind know how much they’ve disappointed me over the course of the past year. I’m now about to move on to the Feast, which will probably consist of some kind of junk food since I have not begun to cook anything yet.
The third and possibly most important aspect of Festivus, Feats of Strength, is going to be challenging. It’s supposed to consist of pinning the head of the household. Since I live alone, I am going to feel like a jackass attempting to wrestle myself to the ground. This is where I need your help, people. What type of substitute Feat of Strength should I attempt to pull off? I’m not Superman, so keep in mind that I’m not quite stronger than a locomotive. I’m not even sure if I can whup a segway, to be quite honest with you. I might be able to leap three fat bitches in a single bound, but no buildings. That said, I look forward to your suggestions.
Tweet
There is one thing worse than women who don’t give head. It’s women who give head POORLY. Women should give head like they’ve got cancer and the cure is inside the penis.
I dated a girl who’d give the tip a lick like it was bad ice cream and then look up at me like she did something. WTF? Don’t waste my time.
Even the crack head down the street would put some effort into it. What’s up with you?
My momma always said that if a job was worth doing, it is worth doing WELL.