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84 Year Old Lottery Winners | Yeah...I said it

84 Year Old Lottery Winners

I have no problem with an 84 year old woman hitting the Powerball jackpot. A lot of people have made jokes about Gloria Mackenzie winning the $590 million prize, but I am happy for her. If I were 84 years old and hit the Powerball jackpot, I would not make it to 85. I’d do all kinds of reckless stuff, like smoke crack on jet skis.

Actually, let me go ahead and post a list of all the things that I would do if I were an octogenarian Powerball winner:

1.) The aforementioned hard drug use on jet skis. Mainly because I’d already be near the front of God or Satan’s short list at that age anyway.

2.) Take each and every one of my readers to Red Lobster. That’s right; CHEDDAR BISCUITS FOR ALL OF Y’ALL!!!

3.) Be the greatest old man at the club of all time. “Say baby, here’s my card. No, really; HERE’S MY CARD. Buy yourself something nice…”

4.) Bail out the Providence, RI woman who attacked the news crew & released the hounds like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. Yes, her reaction was violent, but she is grieving her child so I can understand her being emotional. Besides, she told the news crew to leave her alone yet they kept bothering her like “This is gonna be great TV…Wait a minute; SHE’S GOT DOGS! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!”

On a side note, that anchor with the lavender dress needs to learn how to run better. I’d have been 3 blocks down the street at the sight of those dogs. I know she was in heels, but she should have kicked them off or something if they were slowing her down.

5.) Get gold & platinum dentures to wear on special occasions, so I can stunt on everyone at the nursing home.

6.) Put together a college fund for some of this guy’s 22 children that they cannot touch until they turn 18 AND graduate high school. Lord knows their ignorant daddy isn’t going to help them. First he said  “These are my kids we talking ’bout right here; My siblings.” Then he stated that his plan to provide for these kids’ future is playing lotto. My geriatric winnings would help save some of you from getting robbed in the future by some of his offspring.

I could think of plenty of other “I’m going to die soon so who cares?” things to do with Powerball millions at age 84, but for now I will leave it at these ones. Congratulations to Gloria Mackenzie.

Ms. Mackenzie, if you’re reading this and it made you smile, feel free to send me a little something to fund my creativity. Enjoy your winnings!

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This post was written by who has written 1736 posts on Yeah…I said it.

Comedian, writer and shake dancer on the Chippendale's Senior Circuit.

3 Responses to “84 Year Old Lottery Winners”

  1. laughing808 10. Jun, 2013 at 3:12 pm #

    Really, Red Lobster??? That’s all we good for, ROFL.

  2. Invisibleman 10. Jun, 2013 at 9:23 pm #

    Red Lobster my a%$, take em’ to White Castle!

    Also, that was wild, the dog thing. It’s safe to say they wont come to her fence again….LMAO!

    On a serious note, good for her and may she live her remaining days in comfort. But I have to question why lottery officials, family, those close to her allowed her name to be published like that. Now cockroaches will come out of the woodwork to take shots at taking advantage of this woman.

  3. Abundance 18. Jan, 2014 at 2:06 pm #

    With this cold azz weather, I could go for some of those biscuits right now… Don’t blame that lady with the dogs…ROFL my butt off!

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